


when the wind goes the other way

by faintlight



Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: (it's all of them. they're all trans. thanks), ;), Angst, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Major character death - Freeform, Mild Transphobia, Pining, Slow Burn, Trans Character, Transitioning, but in the lesbian way where it's really stupid, possibly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2020-06-27 07:58:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19786609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faintlight/pseuds/faintlight
Summary: Sigrun doesn't have it together as much as she seems to.About finding common ground in unexpected places, fucking up really badly, and the fact that gay love will conquer all.Explicit chapters will be marked.





	1. no one's by your side when the room goes quiet

**Author's Note:**

> there's not enough trans fics in ssss so of course i took it upon myself to do that
> 
> this will basically be a retelling of canon (up until a certain point) through sigrun's pov!! enjoy :)

Sigrun hadn’t gotten this far in life by letting her emotions get the better of her. 

The shit she’d been through, the battles inside and out, didn’t take kindly to weakness in any form. Born and raised in the military, Sigrun quickly learned that emotions were not your friend if you wanted to survive. 

Her parents were kind, of course, indulging her often ridiculous behavior, and showing her the most love and affection that two army generals could. But there were things they couldn’t give her, things they couldn’t teach her, things they couldn’t protect her from. 

By the time she reached the age of twelve, Sigrun had come to realize that she wasn’t quite like the other kids around her. Raised among army brats, they’d all grown up to foster bloodlust and a disdain for the finer things like academia. It wasn’t her penchant for getting into fights that set her apart, though. It wasn’t her preference for gender-neutral clothing, as they all wore army-issued uniforms. 

Sigrun had been raised as a boy up until that point. In year 70, the remnants of society were reforming. They still clung to old ideas of religion, family, and, most pointedly for Sigrun, gender. As she hit puberty, she found herself becoming more and more uncomfortable with the way she looked and how people addressed her. She mentioned it in passing to her mother, how her body felt wrong, and how she didn’t really want to train with the boys anymore. Her mother, to her credit, had taken it in stride, asking her what she’d like instead, and if there was anything she could do to help. 

Sigrun had no idea. She didn’t know what resources were out there, or if there even were any. Most medical attention had been devoted to the Rash and any immediate wounds incurred in fighting trolls. Gender therapy was something for a more peaceful, settled society.

But luckily for her, Dalsnes was home to a specialist clinic, one that took her in and listened to her troubles. The doctor told her that they’d been fortunate enough to discover ancient hormone therapy treatments, and were working on researching surgeries. 

Sigrun walked home from the clinic that day clutching her prescription, tears welling in her eyes. 

The rest of the world had been a little harder to convince. Her friends in the army training program accepted her new name as quickly as they could, but their inexperienced minds still let out the odd insensitive comment. 

Others hadn’t been so nice. 

Her temper and strength in combat were well known around the base, so no one dared to harass her to her face. But behind her back, comments and insults flew. _He must be sick in the head. How can his parents accept that? He just doesn’t understand anything._ Hundreds of other phrases filled her ears, ones that didn’t bear repeating. She didn’t need to hear the gossip to know the way that the other kids stared at her in the canteen, to see how the other girls shied away when they changed, to notice how slowly, fewer and fewer people talked to her. 

Sigrun began to pull away, too. She sat by herself at dinner, choosing to strategize instead of socialize. She stuck to herself in her downtime, running extra laps, or spending more time in the training hall. No one could say shit about her if she saved their asses from a troll. 

So she worked hard, harder than anyone else. She forgot what her muscles felt like when they weren’t in pain, forgot what a body free of injuries felt like. Her whole being ached, sure, but she felt more in control than ever. 

As she got older, her muscles grew stronger, and her body finally bent to her wishes. Sigrun wasn’t much for appearance, so long as a person could pull their weight in a crisis, but watching her hair grow longer and her skin get softer didn’t bother her. As she accrued scars, the rest of her body caught up on the whole feminine thing. So what if no one really talked to her? She could kick their ass and look good while doing it. 

By the time she reached twenty, enough new people had come to Dalsnes that she had gotten some friends again. She tried not to get too close, due in part to the deadly nature of troll-hunting, but also due to her past. It wasn’t really a secret that she was trans, but she preferred not to spread it around. She never knew what kind of reaction she’d get. Still, having people to laugh with was a luxury she hadn’t had for a while. Sigrun found herself becoming the happiest she’d felt in a while. 

Still, she couldn’t allow herself to stop in the face of one success. She kept training harder, kept working longer, kept reaching higher, until she became a captain at the age of twenty-five. Her parents were impressed, but it wasn’t enough for Sigrun. Behind her back, still, she heard murmurs. About her appearance, about her past, about what she actually was. It was all ridiculous nonsense, shit that people said because they were insecure, uneducated, or just plain assholes. 

That didn’t mean it didn’t get to her.

Sigrun liked her job. She liked killing trolls viciously and being applauded for it. She liked defending her country from certain death, and she liked falling into bed, her bones aching, with the promise of another day’s work ahead. 

She didn’t really like working with people. 

People were headstrong, and had their own ideas about the way things ought to be done. People didn’t follow her directions and got themselves hurt in the process. People blamed her when that happened, even though it had been their own fault.

People died. 

Sigrun didn’t fail often, and when she did, it usually wasn’t bad. She had the strength, the experience, the tenacity to prevent that from happening, but not everyone had her undying spirit. 

Sometimes a troll is stronger than it seems. 

Sigrun was all right with looking death in the face, but she knew not everyone was. And sometimes people cracked under the pressure, or they weren’t strong enough. And it wasn’t anyone’s fault, per se, but she should’ve known better, should’ve retreated faster, should’ve been stronger. 

Sigrun hated to fail. But sometimes, it was inevitable. 

***

One evening in late fall, after a particularly bruising hunt (Sigrun had ended up in a neck brace and several teammates had broken arms), she overheard her parents talking about an exciting opportunity. A mission into the Silent World, one that would last all winter. Sigrun immediately shot up at the prospect. She was the best, the obvious option, the one with the most experience (seven years as a captain!), and more than anything, she was _dying_ to get out there. She wouldn’t tell anyone that- she loved hunting and loved Dalsnes more than anything- but a vacation sounded like just what she needed.

Plus, people who didn’t know her yet. 

***

Sigrun hadn’t spent much time thinking about the kinds of people who would be on her team for this expedition. She didn’t really care, as long as they were competent. 

When she met Mikkel, though, things began looking up. 

Mikkel was a large man and much younger than he looked. Sigrun had a hard time believing that he was only two years older than her. He seemed a little suspicious, but very rational and competent. Perhaps a bit stubborn, but weren’t they all? He seemed like he’d be a good first mate, someone reasonable to turn to in case of a disagreement. 

They traveled together for the short distance to meet the rest of the team, Sigrun occasionally mocking his incomprehensible Danish accent. He didn’t seem to mind, or if he did, he didn’t show it. 

It was nice to meet someone as tall as her. She’d always been insecure about her height, though she tried to use it to her advantage. Still, having every woman you met be shorter than you didn’t inspire much confidence in your femininity. 

Being attracted to them didn’t help either. Sigrun had always told herself she didn’t have time to get involved in all that romance nonsense, she had goals to reach. That didn’t stop her attraction, or her habit of sneaking off into empty dorms or storage closets with a janitor or fellow soldier when she had the free time. Sigrun had learned many things on the Dalsnes base, including what women liked.

She didn’t quite ever get to know what _she_ liked, though, afraid as she was of backlash. Sigrun was by no means a coward, but exposing an incredibly vulnerable part of yourself to a semi-stranger in a dusty broom closet didn’t quite match up to slicing off a troll’s head. And Sigrun had been okay with that, with never being on the receiving end. She didn’t know how much sensitivity she had down there, in the first place. The desire had been stuffed into the back of her mind. 

And then she met Tuuri. 

It wasn’t a love-at-first-sight kind of thing. Sigrun didn’t believe in all that to begin with, and if she did, it definitely wouldn’t be with this four-foot-ten skald. 

But when Sigrun first laid eyes on her, she was overwhelmed with the feeling of looking at a really cute puppy- she was tiny and excited, bouncing and yelling. Her round face lit up like a lantern when she looked at Sigrun. And she couldn’t stop herself from giving the tiny Finn a quick once-over, and had to quickly turn to Mikkel to hide her flush. _Shut up_ , she told the hopeless romantic part of her brain. _There’s no room for that, especially not on a mission like this._

As Sigrun met the rest of her team, she couldn’t stop thinking about Tuuri and her stupid little hair poof- the only one who acted in any way happy to meet her. The Swede was too pretty for his own good, and while he seemed competent, he gave off a rich kid asshole vibe. Sigrun couldn't really make sense of the other Finn, either. They slipped away and curled up in a corner before Sigrun could really introduce herself. 

Sure, supplies were scarce, their tank wasn’t the greatest, and the team didn’t seem cohesive quite yet, but Sigrun had a good feeling about this mission.

And Tuuri.


	2. i can't move until you show me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unexpected things happen, one after another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long!! i got lost in the middle and only just figured out how i wanted it to go

Right out of the gate, Sigrun knew they were in for a wild ride. Unashamed of her own inability to drive, she had relinquished the driver’s seat to Tuuri and her fluffy hair. Driving was an unnecessary evil, in her opinion, and she let Mikkel and Tuuri know as much. Besides, this way she could relax before the mission got started- and keep an eye on the tiny Finn in the front seat. She was so curious, so full of life and excitement. Sigrun felt warring instincts to shelter her from every possible danger, and to show her everything this wide and terrifying world had to offer. Tuuri’s eyes shone, lit from within by a force Sigrun could recognize in herself. Where Sigrun’s motivations lay in battle and strategy, Tuuri seemed to rejoice in learning and discovery. Sigrun’s heart ached a little at how badly she wanted to make all of Tuuri’s dreams come true. 

It was a dizzying and unfamiliar feeling, one Sigrun knew would be best to ignore. Romantic relationships with coworkers were inadvisable at the best of times, and an understaffed mission to the Silent World was definitely not that. She pushed the protective instincts and mushy thoughts to the back of her mind. Feelings didn’t help you get the job done. 

Her not-so-subtle prying into Tuuri’s age and experience resulted in positive signs. She was young, sure, a decade younger than Sigrun, but there was something wise and electric about her, a glisten in her eyes that broke through her nervous exterior. A maturity beyond her age, the kind of excitement born of years-long desperation. 

Every facet of Tuuri that Sigrun could see lit a new spark in the decimating bonfire of her heart. The feeling made her head spin, but opened a pit in her stomach. Nothing good could come of something like this. Sigrun resolved to disregard the blooming of feelings and proceed as normal. 

Still, it was a resolution she nearly broke on the first night. 

Tuuri was so, so excited about seeing the Silent World, so much so that Sigrun ignored Mikkel’s probably wise advice to wait till morning to venture out. After a brief struggle to open the massive doors, Sigrun decided that this slightly ill-advised idea had been worth it to see the way Tuuri’s face had lit up when she caught her first glimpse of the old world. The late-setting sun glanced off her cheeks in a way it hadn’t in safety, her eyes illuminated with something new. Sigrun had to work to turn her gaze away from this picture of delight.

It wasn’t all that impressive to Sigrun anymore. She’d explored enough of the cleansed lands around Dalsnes to know what the general terrain looked like. For a moment, Sigrun tried to see it through Tuuri’s eyes- someone who likely hadn’t gone far from their birthplace all their life, someone who seemed to be interested in the Silent World, to see the overgrown buildings, the slow but all-consuming process of nature taking back what man had abandoned. To Sigrun’s discerning eye, she saw places where trolls would be most likely to sleep, where the snow fell deepest, where people would have congregated. But to Tuuri, it probably seemed an impossibly vast foreign landscape, something full of adventure and possibility. 

Mikkel’s chiding brought her back into reality. Despite this (wonderful, dizzying, incredible, dangerous) glimpse into what the next few months might hold, Sigrun knew they should stop here for the night. She sent the little scout out to search for the best places to visit in the morning, and shut the tank up for the night.

As the crew slowly claimed their beds, Sigrun pretended not to notice which one Tuuri chose. Her choice of the one directly above it was purely coincidental. As she climbed onto her bunk, she instinctively took note of Tuuri’s mask hanging off the post. 

***

Sigrun never had trouble sleeping in the Silent World. Maybe because she’d done it so much, maybe she wasn’t attuned enough to the wandering spirits or whatever. Still, she slept like a baby until the tank sirens sounded, letting the crew know that something was outside. 

Without a second thought, or even a first thought, Sigrun sprang off her bed, tossing the face mask onto Tuuri’s bed as she went. By the time she had let the little scout back into the tank and her heart rate had descended to a normal level, Tuuri had already gotten out of bed. It was almost jarring, the contrast between the military rifle slung over Sigrun’s shoulder and Tuuri’s tiny, sleep-ruffled form hit her hard. With all the fuss over decontamination and breakfast, Sigrun didn’t have time to process Tuuri’s sleepy smile. 

It felt like the gods were testing her, she thought, finding herself huddled over a map, mere inches from Tuuri. She tried to ignore the way her skin lit up, the imperceptible rush of her heart. Sigrun hoped that Tuuri wouldn’t look into her eyes, because she was sure they were dilated as all hell. 

Their discussion of the scout’s notes didn’t take long. Sigrun easily found the best place to search, and just like that, they were on their way. 

Sigrun couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed when she pulled away from Tuuri. 

***

Their first mission as a team had gone fairly well, Sigrun thought. Emil had shown his strength fairly well, even if they could really do with fewer explosions. Still, the volume of books from just one trip was promising. 

As Sigrun expounded about their adventures over dinner, she fought to keep her eyes from drifting to Tuuri. She wanted to know each expression she made, each reaction she had to whatever ridiculous thing Sigrun was saying. 

She focused on Mikkel. His gruff, uninterested face wouldn’t betray any unwelcome emotions. Except, he quickly got up to clean up inside the tank. Sigrun sighed inwardly, turning her attention to Emil. He still seemed a bit shaken up by their encounter earlier, but she could detect a hint of excitement in him. 

That was good. Sigrun could put all her energy into training him, toughening him up and building his perception skills. 

And she did. Or, well, she tried to. As it turned out, Emil wasn’t exactly the most receptive student, and preferred to set things on fire first, ask questions later. While Sigrun could definitely get behind acting before thinking, Emil didn’t quite have the survival instincts necessary to make that a viable option. Retraining his brain stressed her out a little, but it didn’t cause her nearly as much anguish as the way her heart sped up when she spotted Tuuri sitting in the driver’s seat. 

***  
One afternoon, Sigrun was hanging around the driver’s cabin as Mikkel examined the books they’d brought back so far. Apparently, they weren’t very helpful. Sigrun didn’t think that any book could be helpful, but whatever. She was supposed to be more judicious about the books they brought back. 

Tuuri objected when she saw Mikkel going through the books. Sigrun, quick to console her, promised to bring her more books. A stupid thing to say, really, because that was the whole purpose of this mission. 

Though Tuuri didn’t seem to mind. She perked up, just a little, and that made it worthwhile.   
***

The days came and went. Sigrun and Emil (and sometimes the little scout) explored building after building. They fell into a kind of routine, Sigrun and Tuuri triangulating the best spot to search (and Sigrun most definitely did not lean too close over the map, not at all, and so what if she did? She didn’t have the best eyesight, and she needed to see), Sigrun and Emil going out to find dusty, falling-apart books, coming back to Mikkel making disgusting food and Tuuri bursting with excitement over the books (which in no way motivated Sigrun to find more, better books, how stupid would that be), passing out in the tank, and starting the whole thing over again. 

That was, until the fateful radio call.

Tuuri had finally gotten the screechy radio to connect with the folks back at base. Sigrun didn’t one hundred percent understand what was happening, but she gathered that the mission was going the way it was supposed to. 

Until Mikkel came back into the cabin and calmly announced that they were out of food.

What followed was a frantic series of events. Negotiating with the team back at port, finding a nearby vessel, maneuvering to the pickup point, opening the crates to discover a rather disappointing assortment of vegetables. 

Oh, and the stowaway.

Sigrid had been absolutely _livid_ when they found the kid with the absurdly long braid in one of the crates. Not only had he reduced the amount of food they’d gotten, he added yet another liability to this already incredibly precarious crew. 

She struggled with it for a while until she finally accepted that they were just going to have to deal with this annoying kid for the rest of the mission. He tried to be helpful, at least. 

This whole incident kept Sigrun occupied for long enough that she thought that maybe her inconvenient feelings were fading. But every time she saw Tuuri communicating with the kid, or when they looked over a map together, Sigrun could tell that her feelings weren’t going anywhere. 

***

The first time it happened, Sigrun hadn’t been expecting it. 

It was after a particularly exciting troll fight. Emil had been a bit less useless than usual, and Sigrun was excitedly telling the story of how she’d heroically stabbed the troll attacking Emil through the head as he hacked off its legs from below. The others had gone into the tank a while ago, and only Tuuri remained by the fire with her to hear the conclusion of the story. 

“So Emil has the other one on its back, and I’m kicking its buddy in the eyes, and then one _falls from the ceiling!_ So I throw one of my knives into its head and Emil puts down some oil and we sprint out of there and he sets the goddamn place on fire! It was fucking incredible.”

Sigrun finished her story and looked up from the fire at Tuuri, who was grinning back at her. Taking this as encouragement, Sigrun continued. “I didn’t think blondie had it in him, but he was amazing out there. He-” 

Her words were suddenly cut off by Tuuri’s mouth on hers. Sigrun blinked for a moment, then closed her eyes and cupped Tuuri’s head with her hand. Electricity ran through Sigrun, her skin lighting at every touch. She hadn’t realized how long it had been, how much she wanted this. She slipped her arm around Tuuri’s back and pulled her closer. A soft sigh escaped from Tuuri, pushing Sigrun to deepen the kiss. After a moment, she pulled away, blinking at Tuuri in the firelight. 

Tuuri seemed to have just noticed what she’d done. “Oh!” she squeaked, clapping her hand to her mouth. “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help it, you were so animated and it was so cute and-” 

Sigrun returned the favor by kissing her again, a little harder this time. Tuuri slid her hand into Sigrun’s hair, pulling her close. Sigrun let her hand rest on Tuuri’s hip. Her lips were so soft, her body so warm in the night air. Rational thought had left her head, the only thing on her mind was Tuuri, and how incredibly soft and sweet she was. 

Tuuri was the one to pull away this time. “Sigrun-” she started, pausing to catch her breath. “I- I want to keep doing this, but I’m sure Mikkel is going to come out sooner or later to put out the fire, and-” 

Sigrun grinned at her forethought. At least one of them was thinking, anyway. If she’d been using her supposed critical thinking skills, she would’ve been telling Tuuri off. 

“You know, I really should be lecturing you for engaging in improper relations with your superior,” Sigrun said, a smirk finding its way onto her face. Tuuri’s smile fell. 

“Given that that superior is _me_ , well,” Sigrun continued, “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say, when I am very clearly also engaging.” She smiled and slipped her hand into Tuuri’s. “I’d say we have about five minutes before our prolonged absence raises suspicion. What do you think?”

Tuuri blushed a little, but she seemed to understand. “I think we better make the best of it,” she said, a sneaky expression creeping over her face. Sigrun laughed, rising to her feet. She pulled Tuuri behind the tank, just barely illuminated by the fire. 

Tuuri, pressed against the tank, pulled at Sigrun’s collar to bring her mouth closer. Sigrun followed, wrapping her arms around her and pulling Tuuri in closer. She let her hands wander over Tuuri’s sides, kept relatively chaste by the cold and their uniforms. Tuuri didn’t seem like she would let that stop her, slipping her hands over Sigrun’s chest. A bubble of anxiety rose in Sigrun, one she hadn’t felt in a long time. Of course Tuuri would want to reciprocate, of course she wouldn’t be satisfied with a one-sided encounter. For now, though, Sigrun focused on the hot mouth on hers, one that was quickly moving towards her neck. 

_Oh_ , Sigrun thought. So Tuuri was a bit more experienced than she let on. 

The sliding of the tank door snapped them both back into reality. Sigrun reacted first, smoothing out her uniform and kicking up some snow to create an alibi. She winked at Tuuri, then headed back around the tank to greet Mikkel, her skin still burning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more updates hopefully soon!! we shall see
> 
> find me @mudlesbian on twitter or @thiswintersky on tumblr


	3. down to be a distraction/don't distract me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sigrun struggles more with her growing feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a minute!! sorry for not updating, i have been absolutely swamped with school for the past few months but i'm hoping to finish this fic while i'm on break! it's almost done, i just have a couple more scenes to write. thanks for being patient!

It was the yelling that made Sigrun realize. 

Yelling was sort of a constant for her, due to the near-death situations she was usually in, and she assumed that those around her would a) understand what her tone of voice meant and b) react appropriately. She wasn’t quite used to being around civilians who didn’t have that sort of alarm bell inside them, ready to leap into action at the sound of Sigrun’s yell. 

Tuuri, in an uncharacteristically frustrating move, had directly disobeyed Sigrun’s orders not to move the tank during the evening. As soon as Sigrun had woken up from where she’d fallen on the tank floor, she’d noticed what was wrong about the situation and instinctively began barking orders. She hadn’t bothered to think about how that tone of voice might affect Tuuri- they were in danger, and needed to get out of it as quickly as possible. 

But looking down at the tiny driver huddled in her seat, Sigrun felt a pang of- something. She’d caused this, this panic, this incredibly stressed look on Tuuri’s face that seemed close to tears. Sure, they were in a life-or-death situation here, but Sigrun’s heart ached in such an unfamiliar way that she realized she hadn’t handled the situation very well. No one would criticize her for saving them, but it still felt wrong somehow.

Sigrun made a mental note to yell less around Tuuri.

Then the fucking eyeball monsters smacked into the tank, and Sigrun didn’t have time to think about anything that wasn’t troll-killing-related. 

The trolls rushed by in a stream of adrenaline, not allowing Sigrun to think until they were away from the worst of it. She dragged Mikkel and Emil out of the tank to hack away at the matter that stopped them from going any further. 

Time passed, far too quickly for Sigrun’s liking. At this rate, they wouldn’t make it out of the city before nightfall. 

Then the dead flesh that they had been cutting so peacefully yanked Sigrun into the air. 

Her breath caught, the wind knocked out of her. Before she knew what was happening, she hit the water, hard. It took her a moment to comprehend what had just happened before she broke through the surface of the water, gasping for air and instinctively swimming to shore. 

_Shit_. The ledge where Mikkel sat was way higher than she had thought. Sigrun called to Mikkel to fish her out. He took off running for a rope.

Sigrun heard a noise behind her.

Whipping around, she caught a glimpse of eyes disappearing underneath the water. Internally, she ran through the same mantra she had every time she’d faced a troll too powerful to kill on her own. Dying wasn’t so bad, just a quick bout of pain before an eternity in Valhalla. 

Mikkel threw the rope down, cutting off her preemptive eulogy. 

“Make sure Tuuri starts driving! I don’t want this thing chasing after us,” she called to Mikkel. He nodded. Before she had the chance to further that thought, the troll wrapped a limb around her ankle and pulled her back underwater. She kicked and fought, opening her eyes to find an escape. 

A rusty staircase glistened in the weak sunlight. Holding her breath, Sigrun pushed around the troll and swam as quickly as she could towards the escape. Wrenching herself up it and out of the water, she saw Mikkel preparing to dive in. She laughed softly to herself, tossing a rock at his forehead to snap him out of it. 

Just as Sigrun caught her breath, the troll wrapped its massive limbs around the staircase, pulling itself out of the water. She sighed, her mind already spinning through all the possible ways to kill it. Mikkel tapped her on the shoulder, and she looked to see Emil running frantically away from the eyeball trolls. 

Collecting her team, she led them through the wreckage of the troll battle. The huge beast followed them, but Sigrun knew it wouldn’t be long before it got stuck or frozen. The issue now was finding the tank before they also froze to death.

Just when she had resigned herself to two hours of walking, Sigrun spotted the faint lights of the tank ahead on the road. She sighed, pushing down a smile. _Of course Tuuri didn’t leave me- us- behind_. Something inside of her felt warm, even as the rational voice in her head told her that it was the least sensible option. That kind of sentimentality would doom the mission.

Still, seeing Tuuri’s round face spitting out a thousand words a minute washed the cynicism from Sigrun’s mind. In her fatigue, she only managed a light reproach for disobeying orders, sneaking a smile at Tuuri.

Tuuri returned it with a full beam that filled Sigrun up with that same warmth. 

***

There were moments, here and there, where they found themselves alone, but too exposed or too busy to do anything but talk. 

There were nights where it was just the two of them by the fire, their voices soft as their crewmates came and went and paid them little mind. The conversation stayed light, often dissolving into laughter, but woven into every word was the quiet love they were watching smolder. They were careful not to touch too obviously, not to talk about anything too personal or serious, but a deep yearning bled into their talks. Even knowing how they both felt, neither of them dared to acknowledge it out loud. 

Still, Sigrun opened up to Tuuri like she would any friend (no matter that she didn’t really open up to people, never had, this was growth and development and nothing romantic at all). It couldn’t hurt to get to know her better, as long as she did the same with the rest of the crew. She spent just as many nights talking with Mikkel as she did Tuuri. 

Friendship hadn’t always come easily for her, considering her past, but talking with Mikkel felt natural. He paired his mature observations with unfortunate jokes, pulling unwilling laughs from Sigrun. It was a simple kind of camaraderie, and she was grateful for it. It took her mind off of more pressing matters, at least for a moment. 

***

The second time it happened, Sigrun could tell they were both desperate for it. Since their first encounter by the fire, they hadn’t been able to sneak a moment together, and Sigrun desperately wanted to get another taste. When she worked, she could focus, the adrenaline rushing to her head clearing everything else out of the way. 

But when she sat by the fire with Tuuri across from her, or bent over her shoulder to study the map, or lay awake in her bunk with Tuuri directly below her, she couldn’t get the hot press of Tuuri’s lips out of her mind. It was very distracting, really. 

She could see the want mirrored in Tuuri, too. The way she lingered by the fire as if she were praying for everyone else to leave, how she held the map a little closer than necessary so Sigrun would have to lean against her, chest just shy of pressing into her back, how she always seemed to be waiting outside the tank whenever Sigrun got back. 

It had been two weeks without incident when it happened. 

Lalli had come back a few hours earlier, and Tuuri had just finished reviewing and cross-referencing her notes to find the best house to search. Everyone else was outside eating breakfast, and Tuuri had just called Sigrun into the driver’s cabin to look at the map. 

To be fair, they reviewed the map first. Tuuri pointed out where she thought might be best, and Sigrun agreed. That took all of three minutes. 

Then they were free to go on to other activities.

It only took a very slight turn of Sigrun’s head to meet Tuuri’s lips. They were just as soft and warm as the first time, Tuuri’s hand again finding its way to the small of her back. Sigrun shifted in her seat, angling her body to face Tuuri completely. She moved the hand that cupped Tuuri’s jaw down along her neck, tracing over the soft fabric. The sudden catch of breath she got in response was all the answer she needed. Using her thumb to pull down the collar of Tuuri’s undershirt, Sigrun let her mouth wander from Tuuri’s lips, to the corner of her mouth, along her jawline, nipping at her earlobe, following the line of muscle down her neck, drawing her path in light bites and soft kisses. Tuuri gasped at each and every one, her fingers tensing in their hold at Sigrun’s hips. 

Sigrun could feel her body warming up and beginning to take notice of what she was doing, but she fought the urge back. There would be nowhere near enough time for anything like that. Not now. 

Still, Tuuri’s fingers clutching at her hips didn’t go completely unnoticed. As her mouth met Tuuri’s once again, Sigrun let her hand drift, almost unconsciously, to Tuuri’s thigh, landing just shy of teasing. Tuuri made another little noise, her hands moving too, from their position at Sigrun’s hips to her sides, slowly making their way up. Just like that first time, pressed against the cold metal of the tank, Sigrun began to worry. There wasn’t time to explain this away, she’d notice sooner or later, who even knew what she might think-

The sound of footsteps approaching the tank made them break apart. For a moment, they were both caught up in separate worlds, smoothing hair and adjusting clothes. Tuuri laid the map out on the dashboard, her notes at the ready. She grinned up at Sigrun. 

Sigrun, with no thanks to the heart that was due to beat out of her chest, smiled back. 

***  
The squirrelly little scout had discovered a relatively safe stash of books, and Sigrun and Emil found it overflowing with old stuff. She told Emil that they’d need everyone’s help to get it all back, which was true, but she couldn’t help being excited about Tuuri getting to see something of the outside world. 

Tuuri reacted just how Sigrun had expected, beaming from ear to ear at the idea of leaving the tank and seeing an old world building up close. She grabbed her camera as they left, carefully stashing it in her bag.

Sigrun talked absent-mindedly with Mikkel as they walked, trying to keep her mind on the task at hand. It wouldn’t do anyone any good for her to get distracted by how adorable Tuuri’s excited face was.

When they reached the building, though, it was a different story. Sigrun busied herself with scooping as many dusty books as she could into Mikkel’s arms, doing her best to ignore the happy lilt of Tuuri’s Finnish. Though she couldn’t understand what she was talking about, the thrill in her voice was palpable across any language. Sigrun bit her lip to keep herself from smiling.

As they made their way through the wide room, collecting pretty much everything they laid eyes on, Sigrun found herself pulled toward Tuuri without thinking about it. They ended up side by side, looking at a picture of a strange mountain.

Gazing up at the frame on the wall, Tuuri launched into a rambling monologue about other cultures in the old world. Sigrun couldn’t help but look at her, all five foot nothing and bursting with adorable excitement, and smile with so much love she was sure everyone in the room could tell. 

It took her a minute to register what Tuuri had said, and that she was supposed to respond. Sigrun couldn’t count on her brain to come up with anything intelligent to say at the best of times, and this was certainly not one of those. She took her usual dumb jock route of assuming everywhere was like where she was, inevitably turning to Mikkel for help. 

Soon after, Mikkel concluded that they had gathered everything they could carry for that day. They all shouldered their bags and headed back to the tank, Sigrun’s heart still swelling at the thought of Tuuri’s face. She knew she should squash this feeling before it interfered, but she couldn’t stop the warmth from gathering in her chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter soon!!


	4. consecrate your body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sigrun lets herself be vulnerable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another update to make up for the months of silence :(
> 
> also, this one is very explicit for about 80% of the chapter

The third time it happened, Sigrun took the initiative. 

As they made their slow and steady way to the pickup point, the crew started spending more time outside the tank. Mikkel would even accompany her and Emil on book-gathering trips sometimes. 

The pressure of the mission still hung heavy over her head, but Sigrun was hopeful. They had a ways to go, but things were looking up. Besides, she had things to do with Tuuri before this mission was over.

Her opportunity came one afternoon. Mikkel was forcing her to rest her wounded arm, and so she had sent him, Emil, and Lalli out to survey the area for books. Reynir ended up tagging along when it was confirmed that the area was safe, face mask firmly strapped on. It killed her that even one of the helpless babies was out adventuring while she was stuck “resting” or whatever, and she told Mikkel as much, insisting her arm didn’t even hurt, but she had to admit, she was tired. 

Tuuri also stayed behind. To “watch the tank,” she claimed, but Sigrun had an inkling of why she didn’t join the others.

As she watched the others slowly trail away from her vantage point in the passenger seat, Sigrun heard steps coming up behind her. Tuuri appeared in the doorway, smiling, and came to sit next to her. 

Sigrun reached out to ruffle her hair. “Hey there, short stuff,” she said softly, smiling. Tuuri returned the smile, scooting closer. 

“Hey yourself,” she said, taking Sigrun’s hand. Sigrun let her free hand trail over Tuuri’s cheek, coaxing her face closer to Sigrun’s own. Tuuri let her eyes flutter shut, and Sigrun leaned in, closing the space between them.

Just like before, Tuuri’s lips were soft and full, her hands warm and they came to rest by Sigrun’s waist. Wearing only her skintight undershirt, Sigrun could feel Tuuri run her hands over her muscled back, her toned arms, seemingly taking in their firm appearance, their promise of strength. She breathed lightly at Tuuri’s wandering touch, telling her that she was free to continue. In return, Sigrun let her hands find their way to the hem of Tuuri’s sweater. She slid her hand under the fabric, letting her fingers brush the undershirt beneath. Sigrun traced her fingers up Tuuri’s spine, feeling her gasp at the touch. Following this response, Sigrun trailed her kisses across Tuuri’s cheek and down her throat, pulling at the neck of her undershirt to nip at the skin beneath it. Tuuri’s gasp was all the confirmation she needed. 

As suddenly as they had begun, Tuuri pulled back. Sigrun looked at her, thought rushing back to her touch-addled mind. “Is something wrong?”

Tuuri laughed. “No, I just- I thought I’d make it easier for you.” She pulled her arms back from Sigrun’s sides and quickly took her outer layer off, leaving her in just a black undershirt. Sigrun couldn’t help her smirk. Her hand wandered over Tuuri’s now-exposed form without thinking. Tuuri blushed, then pulled Sigrun closer, their mouths meeting once again. Sigrun’s hands wandered further, just brushing over the zipper of Tuuri’s pants. To her surprise, Tuuri responded with a quiet whine. Sigrun grinned against her, letting her hand rest teasingly on Tuuri’s thigh.

She wanted more, more still, wanted to be closer to Tuuri, as close as possible. Sigrun felt a heat growing inside her, one she hadn’t let free in a long time. This time, it was her that pulled back. 

Tuuri looked at her expectantly. Sigrun looked her right in the eyes, no pretense necessary. “Can I go down on you?”

Somehow, it was possible for Tuuri to be even more flushed than she already was. “Yeah,” she breathed, voice catching in anticipation. 

Quickly, they worked out that Tuuri would keep sitting on the bench. She unzipped her pants and slid down her underwear, letting it fall to her knees. Sitting on her sweater, she looked at Sigrun somewhat expectantly. 

Sigrun ducked under her legs, kneeling in front of the seat. She grinned up at Tuuri. “You ready?”

Tuuri nodded. 

Still smiling, Sigrun trailed a long finger through Tuuri’s folds, feeling how wet she was already. She ducked her head to kiss Tuuri’s thigh, making her squeak slightly. Teasingly, Sigrun trailed kisses across her thighs, stopping just short of where she knew Tuuri wanted her mouth. Finally, she kissed Tuuri’s bare hips, and let her mouth fall to her aching center. As soon as she did, Tuuri let out a barely-stifled moan. Sigrun ran her tongue along the length of her, feeling Tuuri’s hand grasp her hair. 

Sigrun continued her motions, sliding a finger inside Tuuri. She whined in response, rocking her hips forward. Her fingers tensed in Sigrun’s hair, her knees closing around Sigrun’s head. After several moments, Sigrun felt Tuuri tighten around her finger, her gasps coming quicker, until her legs relaxed, her hand falling to her side. 

Wiping her face with the back of her hand, Sigrun got up from her kneeling position to join Tuuri on the seat. Tuuri turned her head toward her, her smile a little wobbly. Sigrun leaned in and kissed her, still feeling the taste of her on her tongue. When they pulled back, Tuuri’s eyes were filled with a question. 

Once again, that ever-familiar bubble of anxiety fought its way through the warmth coiling in her stomach. She opened her mouth to begin, but she couldn’t find the words. Tuuri slid her hand across the seat, resting on Sigrun’s thigh in comfort. She smiled back at her. 

“The thing is, Tuuri, I’m not-” The words wouldn’t come out. Tuuri was looking at her now, confusion present in those ever-bright eyes. Sigrun took a deep breath. 

“I don’t know if you can get me off.” Great job, she thought, because that’s the most important part of this. 

Tuuri’s confusion only seemed to grow. “What do you mean?”

“I- I have a dick, and I’ve been taking medicine for years to sort of- minimize that, I guess. And I don’t really know how well it all works. It’s been a while.”

It took a minute, but understanding finally flickered in Tuuri’s eyes. She nodded. “Well, I wouldn’t mind trying, if that’s okay with you?”

Sigrun let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. Tuuri had taken this way, way better than she’d expected anyone to. 

“Yeah, I think that’d be ok.” Sigrun pulled Tuuri closer, practically on top of her. Tuuri’s hands found their way to her hips, around her back, across her chest, going slowly, as if to appreciate each and every inch. As they made their way to the waist of her pants, Sigrun couldn’t stop herself from drawing in a breath.

“Everything ok?” Tuuri asked, looking up at Sigrun. She nodded, for once unsure of herself. 

Tuuri resumed, her small hands deftly unzipping Sigrun’s pants. As if sensing her trepidation, she pressed a kiss to Sigrun’s mouth. Her hand ghosted over Sigrun, thumb grazing over the head. Sigrun groaned, partly with arousal, and partly with surprise. Tuuri slid her hand under the band of Sigrun’s underwear, grasping her fully. To Sigrun’s relief, she retained most of her feeling. And what a feeling it was.

Having waited so long, she’d felt close to finishing before Tuuri even started. And Tuuri herself didn’t seem to be too keen on taking her time. Hand wrapped around Sigrun, she moved without mercy, intent on drawing out more noises. Though she tried, Sigrun couldn’t stifle them, her moans ringing around the cabin, and she prayed to the gods that the others weren’t close to getting back. 

After only a few minutes, Tuuri’s hand became all too much, and Sigrun bit her lip to contain a yell as she came into Tuuri’s palm. She exhaled, feeling her body go limp. Tuuri moved off her, presumably going to clean up. 

Once Sigrun got her wits about her again, she made herself presentable, combing her fingers through her already-unruly hair. Tuuri came back, winding her arms around Sigrun’s waist. Sigrun smiled down at her, turning around to kiss her. Tuuri gladly accepted, kissing Sigrun so passionately she nearly fell over. Drawing back, she grinned at Tuuri, who returned the smile. 

As if to remind them that they couldn’t stay like that forever, footsteps sounded in the snow close by. They drew apart slowly, both loathe to leave the other. 

***  
The days kept passing as they made their agonizingly slow way back towards the port. While Sigrun appreciated the extra time with Tuuri, she didn’t like spending all that much time out in the Silent World, immune or not. It wasn’t easy being on her guard all the time, no matter how much she liked fighting. 

Still, Tuuri made it worthwhile.

***

By the fourth time, Sigrun had stopped keeping track. 

It was really hard to keep her affection under wraps, to not cling to Tuuri every moment she could. She couldn’t stop thinking about Tuuri on top of her, Tuuri kissing her softly as her hands wandered, Tuuri moving against her, confident but listening, feeling each pulse and gasp and taking it all in stride. 

It was a little bit distracting. 

So when Tuuri asked for her help moving books in the driver’s cabin, Sigrun was more than a little relieved when the door shut and Tuuri seemed to have forgotten all about the books. 

“Are you okay? You’ve seemed a little…off the past few days,” Tuuri said, her face concerned but her voice belying her motivation to get Sigrun alone. 

Sigrun grinned down at her. “Just had a lot on my mind.” She bent down, just a little, enough to let Tuuri move on her own. 

And move Tuuri did. She breathed, “good to know,” before pulling Sigrun down by her collar and finally kissing her. It had only been a few days, but an hour spent without kissing her felt like an eternity. 

Sigrun let Tuuri push her, gently, against the cabin wall, more of a suggestion than a demand. When Tuuri’s hands started moving past her hips, Sigrun was glad for the support. Tuuri’s fingers ghosted across the zipper of Sigrun’s uniform, too light to really feel like anything, but solid enough to make her gasp. 

She could feel Tuuri smile against her mouth. Her hand paused in its usual questioning way, waiting for Sigrun to respond. Sigrun threaded one hand through Tuuri’s hair, letting the other one drop to the small of her back, pulling her closer. Tuuri sighed quietly, her hand unzipping Sigrun’s pants. 

Tuuri pulled away slightly. Just above a whisper, she asked, “Can I go down on you?”

Sigrun felt the blood rushing to her face, heating her skin. “Yeah,” she said breathlessly, nowhere close to knowing how to respond. 

Tuuri grinned at her, sliding out of Sigrun’s arms and onto her knees. She pulled Sigrun’s pants down a little past her hips, tucking a thumb into the waistband of her underwear. She looked up, her eyes wide. For a moment, Sigrun forgot where she was, what was going on. All she could think was, _oh God, I’m in love with her_.

In one deft move, Tuuri pulled down her underwear and wrapped her hand around Sigrun. All thoughts flew out of her head, mind completely flooded by sensation. Tuuri ran her thumb over the head, stroking her fully. 

Sigrun didn’t know what kind of experience Tuuri had, but she must have done this before. Every nerve in Sigrun’s body seemed to light up. The warm, wet feeling of Tuuri’s mouth was unimaginable, her strokes of her tongue indescribable. Sigrun lost track of time, slumping against the wall and trying to keep from sinking to the floor. 

Tuuri laid a hand on Sigrun’s hip to steady her as she came up for air. Her hand picked up the slack, pumping in such a way that Sigrun couldn’t keep her hips from bucking. Tuuri took her in her mouth again, firmer this time. Her motions were confident and almost practiced, and it didn’t take long for Sigrun to feel herself about to slip over the edge. 

“Tuuri- I’m going to-“ Sigrun choked out, not really knowing what to do. Tuuri nodded, pulling back and finishing with her hand. Sigrun came, one hand gripping at Tuuri’s before crumpling to the ground. 

Tuuri grinned at her. “That good, huh?” she asked, voice catching slightly. 

Sigrun tried to regain control of her breathing. “Thanks,” she said before she could realize that that was not at all a normal thing to say. 

To her credit, Tuuri just laughed. 

Sigrun began to reach for her when someone opened the outside door of the tank. She sprang up, rearranging herself as best she could. 

Glancing at Tuuri, she smiled. “Next time?”

Tuur smiled back, leaning forward to kiss her quickly. “Next time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do u ever cry b/c you love women so much


	5. know that i am dynamite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sigrun fucks up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this sure is a rough chapter huh.

Sigrun had fucked up, she knew that, but she couldn’t tell how badly. Sure, she probably should’ve listened to their fledgling mage about whatever ghosts were following them, especially since they’d been backed up by the other, smaller, mage, but really, ghosts? How was she supposed to believe that?

Well, kicking herself didn’t help anything. What they needed now was action. Sigrun felt back for making Tuuri drive through the night, but there was really nothing else to do. They needed a good space to launch their attack, whatever that was going to look like. 

They pulled into an empty field around dawn. Sigrun started getting as much of her shit together as she could, both mentally and physically. The mages were drawing protective runes around their campsite, and Emil and Mikkel lit fires to ward off the coming darkness. Sigrun had told Tuuri not to leave the tank, and she’d obeyed. Now wasn’t the time for curiosity, not when they had no idea of what was coming.

She prayed to the gods that they’d all live to see morning. They all crouched on the roof of the tank to wait out the lingering sunset.

When the sun finally slipped over the faraway horizon, Sigrun felt her chest constrict. She’d never fought this type of enemy before, not one she didn’t know. Below her, she could feel Tuuri tensing in the darkness, no idea of what lay outside. Sigrun closed her eyes, just for a second. _I promise you, Tuuri, I will get you out of this alive_ , she swore. 

A light in the dark sparked her attention. Out of nowhere, the landscape blazed with the golden pain of ghosts running over runes. Sigrun almost laughed to herself, surprised they worked. She and Emil sprang to their feet, picking off the more corporal enemies. 

The battle raged on, Sigrun hacking away at the trolls that strayed too near the tank. A scuttling from the side of the tank drew her attention, and she darted around to see an insect-like troll sliding underneath it. As she raised her arm to stab it, the old injury she’d hidden from Mikkel flared up and stayed her hand. Before she knew what was happening, a long tail had wrapped around her and hurled her across the field.

Crashing to the ground, Sigrun felt all the wind and hope knocked out of her. If she couldn’t keep up with this attack, what hope did any of the rest of them have? As Mikkel helped her to her feet, a bright golden light caught her eye. 

An enormous golden hawk swooped down from the sky, burning every troll and ghost it hit. Sigrun could do nothing but watch as it destroyed every enemy, along with her despair. Some powerful mage was looking after them, some act of a benevolent god. The whole field lit up in golden flame, lighting the night in an ominous hue. 

Sigrun and Emil walked around the smoldering edges of the campsite, kicking at still-burning corpses and shooting any of them that moved. The mood was solemn, but no longer tense.

At least, until Mikkel came up to her and gently pulled her towards the tank, which she noticed looked more battered than before. Before she could ask anything, Mikkel opened the door.

Sigrun didn’t cry. 

She couldn’t; all she felt was rage. Rage at the world, rage at the troll that had bitten Tuuri, rage at the Illness, rage at the mission, but more than anything else, rage at herself. 

***  
Sigrun couldn’t fucking believe herself. 

Getting so caught up in everything- the success of the mission, how many books they’d collected, how close they were to the pickup point, everything with Tuuri- that she’d let her guard down. She’d told herself that her arm wasn’t _that_ bad, she was just being a baby about it. That they only had a few kilometers left. 

Bullshit. Bull _shit_. She should know better, after all these years. No matter how close you were to the end, you could be ambushed at any moment. Trolls didn’t care how close you were to the end of your journey, they just wanted to attack. And Sigrun had let herself believe that her life would follow some soft of narrative arc, that her time with Tuuri would teach her some kind of lesson- not to take herself so seriously or some shit like that.

Well, it sure was teaching her a lesson. Sigrun was never letting her guard down again, never letting anything get past her again. She’d known that mixing work and relationships was a bad idea, and this only went to prove it. She’d relaxed, and the consequences had been about as bad as they possibly could. Not only was the mission close to being fruitless, she was going to lose Tuuri.

Mikkel had said not to think about it like that- not to act as if Tuuri was about to die. But Sigrun wasn’t an idiot. She knew that no one had survived the Rash, and whatever kind of affection Sigrun harbored for Tuuri wasn’t going to change that. Diseases didn’t care about your dreams or whatever. They just did their job. 

Like she had failed to. 

Sigrun didn’t tell the rest of the team, but she knew it was her fault. If she had just fucking told Mikkel about her shitty arm, she wouldn’t have gotten knocked backward. If she could have killed that stupid fucking slithery troll in one hit. She wouldn’t have been completely disarmed, unable to notice as it burrowed into the tank. 

Sigrun couldn’t bear to think of how Tuuri had felt when that happened. Reynir had told her that Kissa had been howling and pacing around the spot the troll had burst from just moments later. She was sure that Tuuri had been scared out of her mind from the moment the battle began outside, and her thoughts wouldn’t go beyond that. It was too horrible to comprehend, and it was _all Sigrun’s fault_. And there was nothing that could be done about it.

While Sigrun wasn’t entirely _proud_ of her lack of schooling, she had often felt a sort of superiority in her lack of need for academia. But now she cursed it. She wanted to go back in time and slap herself every time she turned down a book, walked out of a lesson, denied an explanation of science. If only she knew _anything_ other than punching things- which it turned out she wasn’t even very _good_ at!- she might have a shot in hell at saving Tuuri. But she knew _nothing_. 

She was trying so _hard_ to not scream this at the closest person, to not sob into Tuuri’s chest and clench her hands in her coat and wail about how badly she’d failed the one person she had to protect above all else.

But she couldn’t do any of that. 

And, wonder of wonders, they were fixing the _fucking_ tank so that idiot mage had to sit outside. And of _course_ he had to be watched over, and she was the only one not doing anything, and Mikkel said she should be “healing her arm” like that mattered at _all_ when Tuuri was trapped in the tank, probably fending off thoughts of her own impending, painful death. But she sat outside with Reynir anyway. 

Sigrun tried to calm herself down, to deal with this like an adult, but if she sat still for even a second her mind would wander to that night and how Tuuri sat trembling in the dark and how this was all her fault, all her fault, all her fault-

She jerked up from where she had been sitting. Reynir might have looked up at her in surprise, but she was too jittery to notice. Sigrun marched over to where Emil was scanning the vicinity for still-living trolls. He was going slow, which was probably smart, given the complexity of the job, but _everything_ was pissing Sigrun off right now. She didn’t want to take it out on Emil, she really didn’t, but he was the closest target who would put up a fight and not try to comfort her. 

Sigrun didn’t remember what she said to him. Some kind of irrational expletive about how he wasn’t doing his job properly, and he fought back, as she had known he would. It didn’t make her feel any better, but she’d let off a little steam and distracted herself for a minute, so she stalked back to where that useless redhead was sitting. 

Time stopped passing like it usually did. Sigrun didn’t care. She didn’t give a shit about anything that wasn’t Tuuri. Mikkel wouldn’t let her in to the driver’s cabin turned sick ward, so she had to suffice with leaning against the dividing wall, talking softly to Tuuri when everyone else was busy. 

The first time she’d sat there, she couldn’t speak. What could she possibly say? How could she convey the magnitude of her failure? No apology would ever be good enough, could ever _mean_ anything. 

Tuuri had spoken first. 

In halting, trembling Norwegian, she ground out, “don’t you dare apologize.”

That had surprised Sigrun. Tuuri had always had a little bit of an edge to her, but that sort of tone had never come out before.

Tuuri continued. “I know… I know you’re blaming yourself. And I know you don’t want to talk about it. And I don’t either, really. But it has to be said.”

Sigrun could hear her sigh from the other side of the door. 

“This isn’t your fault. It’s no one’s fault. I came on this mission knowing full well this could happen, knowing what it meant to come here as a nonimmune person. But I came anyway.”

A beat. Two. Sigrun waited, heart ready to pound out of her chest.

“I always wanted to come to the Silent World. My brother always told me I was an idiot for wanting to go, that there wasn’t anything out there worth risking certain death. And he was justified in that, I guess, coming from our experience with the Rash. But I never seemed to give up hope, I don’t know why.”

Sigrun clenched her hands into fists. Tuuri _knew_ she was dying, knew she didn’t have much time left, and here she was, making Sigrun fall in love with her even more. It was the cruelest ending possible, but Tuuri had no way of knowing. 

“It’s not certain, though, right?” Tuuri’s voice perked up from the other side of the door. “We don’t know for sure…” She seemed to take Sigrun’s unresponsiveness as a signal to end that line of thinking. 

Tuuri faltered for a moment. Sigrun didn’t know if it was simply the weight of her situation sinking in, or if she was trying to figure out how to lie to Sigrun. She opened her mouth, then realized there were no words. Her smart mouth that consistently got her into trouble had nothing left.

“I know I can’t defend myself.” Tuuri’s statement interrupted Sigrun’s spiraling. “I know how weak I am. I know I depend on you to protect me, probably too much. And I won’t deny that it is kind of your responsibility. But it’s also Emil’s, and Mikkel’s, and Lalli’s. And yeah, you’re the captain. But you’re not invincible, Sigrun!” A rare hint of anger crept into Tuuri’s voice. 

Sigrun couldn’t bear her own silence anymore. “I know that!” she cried, voice cracking. She couldn’t cry, wouldn’t cry, refused to cry. She was stronger than that. 

“I know that,” Sigrun continued. “But I wanted to be. For you, yeah, but also for me. I needed to be better than everyone else, and weakness didn’t come with that territory. You know, Tuuri, you know that if I show any weakness at all it’s a failure. I know I’m not perfect. I know I’m not even the best. I thought I was damn good.”

Her voice trailed off, breath almost unable to finish the thought. 

“I thought I was. But I was wrong.” 

Tears welled in her eyes, threatening to spill over. She shut them quickly, refusing to let herself show a physical sign of weakness. 

“I was wrong, Tuuri. And that cost you everything. And I’m so goddamn sorry. I would trade places with you in an instant.”

At that, Sigrun heard a sharp intake of breath from Tuuri.

“Don’t you _dare_ say that, Sigrun.” Tuuri’s voice was a winter wind, cold and bitter. “Don’t you dare get all self-sacrificing on me now. We have _not_ come this far for you to give up on me.” A hint of teariness was creeping into Tuuri’s voice, too. Sigrun could feel grief pressing in tandem at the back of her own throat. 

“I might be weak physically, but I can make my own decisions. I know it all seems hopeless right now, but as soon as Mikkel lets me out of here, I’m going to fix that engine and get you all back on your way.”

Sigrun’s whole body froze. _Get you all on your way_. Tuuri wasn’t planning on coming back with them. For all her talk of hope, she wasn’t even making the effort towards a cure? 

“Tuuri-” Sigrun began, but she had no idea where to go from there. How to tell the dying girl you’re in love with that you can’t let her give up on life? That there might be a way to save her, if she just waited? 

Before she could work out what to say, the tank door opened, and Emil stepped in, giving her a curious look. Sigrun slid to her feet, blinking and hoping there were no tears in her eyes. Those would do her no good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter isn't any happier but it will be saucier so there's that at least
> 
> also i'm not really on social media anymore but check out my [sigri spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3YACE6KCKY7UOolnKaJape?si=jH5RvdenREqGJYTBQBYFHg) if you like


	6. if this were the last i felt you breathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sigrun tries not to lose hope. Tries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is real long and real sad. also there's porn heads up

A few hours later, she found herself back at the separating door. Mikkel was heating up whatever disgusting sludge he’d concocted now, and the others were resting in the cabin. Sigrun couldn’t bear to let her thoughts wander, so she ended up against Tuuri’s wall yet again. 

She heard Tuuri shift at the sound of Sigrun hitting the floor. “Sigrun?” she asked hopefully, her thin, bright voice splintering Sigrun into a million pieces. She gulped, pushing her feelings back. 

“Yeah,” she managed, in what she hoped was a strong and not crying voice. “Just wanted to see how you were doing in there, Fuzzy-head.”

Sigrun could practically hear Tuuri smile. “I’m okay! I’ve been packaging some of the books. Don’t worry, I’ve got my mask on, so I won’t be contaminating them or anything. How are you?”

Sigrun could barely speak. So quick to turn the topic around, so quick to deflect any probing. It was Tuuri’s nature to help others, always putting herself second. Sigrun put a shaking hand up to the door, watching as it clenched. “I’m.. you know. Surviving.” As soon as the words left her mouth, she was filled with regret. Tuuri wasn’t even doing _that_. 

“When do you think Mikkel will let me out?” Tuuri asked, as though she hadn’t heard Sigrun’s response. 

“I don’t know, probably tomorrow. We need to get the tank up and running again, if we can.” Relieved to be talking about anything else, Sigrun let her shoulders relax. She let out a breath she hadn’t even noticed she’d been holding. 

***  
Sigrun was sulking as she waited for Emil and Lalli to get back from whatever mission Mikkel had given them today. Having nothing to do was shitty at the best of times, and this was decidedly not the best. 

Her tedium was broken when Mikkel came out of the driver’s cabin. “Tuuri wishes to speak with you,” he ventured, looking as tired as Sigrun felt. “And afterwards I need to take a look at your arm.”

Sigrun had to keep herself from sprinting towards the tank, brushing off Mikkel with a muttered affirmation. Sliding open the heavy door, she looked around at what the compartment had become. Stacks of bound books covered a wall, and papers littered the floor. Tuuri sat in the driver’s seat, engrossed in some book. Sigrun’s heart did a naive jump at seeing her. 

Tuuri looked up as Sigrun closed the door. “Oh, hey Sigrun!” she squeaked out. Sigrun couldn’t help the way her heart clenched. She took the passenger seat. 

“Mikkel said you wanted to talk to me.”

“Yeah! I, uh, well… I should probably start fixing the tank soon, but I wanted to catch up on how you were feeling.” Her wide eyes locked with Sigrun’s. “I don’t want you blaming yourself for this.” 

Sigrun held her gaze. “It’s not something I can really stop myself from doing.”

Tuuri sighed, looking away. “I thought as much. Still, it was worth a try.” She glanced back up at Sigrun, like she was trying to detect any kind of emotion at all. “I want you to know… I don’t blame you at all. I don’t have any negative feelings toward you at all, Sigrun.” She bit her lip, in that endearing way that Sigrun had missed. “I love you. I was too scared to say it before, but, well, now seemed like as good a time as any. And I don’t want to leave you thinking that I felt anything bad for you.” She tried her best to smile, but Sigrun could tell she was holding back tears. 

Wordlessly, Sigrun brushed Tuuri’s hair from her forehead. Her hand came to rest on her cheek, and she slowly leaned forward. Tuuri followed, their lips meeting. Cautiously at first, Tuuri pulled herself closer to deepen the kiss. Sigrun could feel the tears beginning to roll down her own cheek. 

When Tuuri pulled away, Sigrun quickly glanced to the side, swiping the tears from her face. 

“ _Sigrun_ ,” Tuuri whispered, her voice strained. Sigrun tried to set her face back to normal, but she couldn’t seem to. 

“Tuuri-” she began, but her tears interrupted her. A great pressure was building in her throat, letting the tears fall freely. She curled in on herself, refusing to give in to weakness.   
Before she knew what was happening, Tuuri’s arms were around her. Her hand rested at the small of Sigrun’s back, travelling in soothing circles. Her cheek brushed by Sigrun’s ear, her body fitting comfortably against Sigrun’s own. She let the sobs wrack her body, finally releasing all the feelings she’d been bottling up inside her since the battle. Her fears, her doubts, her trepidations, all came streaming out. Tuuri just sat by her, letting it happen. It had been so long since she’d let herself feel anything but anger. 

Too late, she realized she’d never said anything back. 

When the sobs subsided, Sigrun tried to collect herself. Tears still fell unbidden, but her throat was clear enough to speak. 

She slid Tuuri’s hand from her back, curling her own hands around Tuuri’s. Gazing deep into her round, loving eyes, she breathed out. 

“I love you.”

***

Sigrun stood next to Mikkel outside the tank as he inspected her arm. It wasn’t getting better, sure, but it also wasn’t getting worse. He made some fretting noises, then starting packing up his makeshift medic kit. 

As casually as she could manage, Sigrun asked, “how much do you know about the Finnish afterlife?”

Mikkel didn’t look up from what he was doing. “Big swan. It’s always supposed to be summer over there, I think. Tuonela, it’s called. Why?” He turned to look at her.

“I dunno,” she said, trying for a casual air, “just wondering.”

“Then why don’t you ask a Finn?” 

Sigrun tried not to tense. “Seems like a sensitive subject right now.”

Mikkel made a noise of affirmation and headed back into the tank. Sigrun gritted her teeth. 

***

Tuuri, blessed be the gods, had fixed the tank. It had taken hours, her hands shaking from the work. Sigrun refused to leave her side, shielding her from the rain with a piece of scrap metal. Emil, standing guard, had given her a weird look when she persisted in staying, but she didn’t care at this point. Every second she could spend with Tuuri was precious, and she wasn’t going to let anyone’s opinion stand in the way of that. 

Sigrun had just begun to nod off at her post when the tank rumbled to life underneath her. She sprung up, nearly hugging Tuuri before she stopped herself. Tuuri, oblivious, turned to her, her face split open by a smile. 

“It doesn’t sound great, but-”

Sigrun cut her off. “You’re a miracle worker, fuzzy head!” 

She ignored the tears that nearly showed when she said that. If only she could get another miracle… 

Sigrun pushed the thought away. 

A few hours later, as everyone was packing up camp to go the next morning, Sigrun slipped into Tuuri’s quarantine cabin. No one would notice her missing in all the confusion, and if they did, Sigrun really couldn’t bring herself to care. Maybe it was unprofessional of her, this whole thing was, but at some point, Tuuri’s kind eyes had overshadowed the need for propriety. 

When she slid open the door, Tuuri looked up from where she was packaging books on the floor. 

“Oh, hey, Sigrun,” she said, her voice falsely calm. Sigrun came to sit next to her, moving aside a stack of books. 

Before she could even get out a “hey” in return, Tuuri was pulling her into a hug. Sigrun felt herself stiffen instinctively, then relaxed into it, wrapping her arms around Tuuri. She let herself rest in it, bask in it, get lost in Tuuri’s warmth. It was almost too much. 

Tuuri pulled back first, her eyes already shining with tears. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me, I-”

Sigrun cut her off with a kiss. It was soft, softer than they’d ever been. Even the very first time had been insistent and full of excitement. This was different. In each breath Tuuri drew, Sigrun felt grief, desperation, fear. With every press of her lips, though, she pushed forward love, love, love. Overwhelming, unending waves of feeling, the warmth of her skin pulsing with desire, affection, happiness, intimacy, passion, acceptance, learning, joy, pain, love, love, love. 

Sigrun didn’t know who pulled away first, who started crying first, who wiped away each other’s tears first. It didn’t matter. They acted in tandem, all their memories and emotions and experiences pushed away, leaving only this thing between them. For a long time, neither of them moved. Outside lay death and disease. But in here, for the tiniest fraction of time, there was a bubble of warmth and understanding, of pure, unadulterated, unmistaken love. 

After what could have been a few minutes, or maybe a few hours, Sigrun moved, pressing as much of her body as she could to Tuuri. She didn’t know where to go from here, didn’t know what they were supposed to do now. What could they do, with the pressing feeling that with every minute, time was running out?

Tuuri broke the silence first. “Sigrun, I’ve been thinking…”

Sigrun sat up, facing Tuuri as she spoke. “Yeah?”

Tuuri, somehow, found it within herself to be able to blush at a time like this. “I know we’ve talked about it a little before, but we never- we never said anything conclusive, and…” She trailed off, leaving Sigrun staring at her, a little nervous. 

“And what? What is it we’ve talked about?” Sigrun tried to keep her voice even, but she had no clue where Tuuri was going with this. 

“We- I mean, could you- could we-” she drew a deep breath, her hand tensing around Sigrun’s. She turned her pink face up to Sigrun, eyes wide. “I want you inside me.”

Sigrun didn’t understand at first. They’d had sex several times, so that couldn’t be what she meant-

Oh. 

It wasn’t something Sigrun had ever done before. It was something she’d only dared to think about in the dark, only when her thoughts got away from her. On her more confident days, she’d fantasized about it. But never this, never close enough to actually do it. 

Tuuri went on. “You don’t have to, obviously, I understand if it makes you uncomfortable, I just-”

Sigrun cut in. “No, Tuuri, it’s fine. I want to.”

Tuuri’s eyes went even wider. “You do?” Her tone of voice made Sigrun think she hadn’t been expecting a yes. She nodded. 

“I do.”

It felt strange to start just like that, after such a serious discussion, but the unspoken fact fell between them that they were running out of time. 

Their fingers laced and their lips met. Their bodies wound around each other as they kissed, moving and adjusting and feeling, feeling, feeling. Hands were everywhere, there and there and oh, oh, there too. Tuuri’s sweater came off, and Sigrun’s undershirt followed, leaving her exposed from the waist up- something she’d never done before in front of another person. In the chill air of the tank, Tuuri took her in fully, eyes glistening. She kissed every inch of skin she could see. Sigrun shivered- from cold or stimulation, she didn’t know. She let her hands roam Tuuri’s body, taking care to avoid her left shoulder. 

They ended up lying on the floor, Tuuri on her back and Sigrun above her. Sigrun eased Tuuri’s pants over her hips, her underwear following close behind. Tuuri let out a shuddering breath. Sigrun looked up at her. 

“Is this okay?”

Tuuri nodded, her eyes half-closed. “Yeah, it’s just- it’s been a while.” 

Sigrun ran her thumb over Tuuri’s thigh. It had been a month or so since they’d last done this. Things had been busy, what with the ghost problem, and then the awful night that Sigrun still couldn’t think about, and Tuuri in quarantine, and-

Tuuri sat up, wiping tears from Sigrun’s face. She hadn’t even noticed she was crying. 

“It’s okay,” Tuuri said, her voice barely above a whisper. “We don’t have to do this.” 

Sigrun shook her head. “No, no, I want to, it’s just- I keep thinking about it, that’s all.”

Tuuri laughed softly, leaning back. “I do too. It’s okay.”

Sigrun bent over her again, letting her mouth distract her. She put all her energy and emotion into it, gripping Tuuri’s soft thighs as she ran her tongue up and down, back and forth, tracing patterns across her folds. Tuuri whined softly, her hand reaching out to grasp Sigrun’s hair. Her hips rocked forward, pressing into the touch. Sigrun redoubled her efforts, swiping up with the broad side of her tongue and weaving her way down with the tip. She slid one finger, then two, into Tuuri, opening her up as she let out a barely-muffled moan. Sigrun sucked her clit as she began to create a rhythm with her fingers, pulsing in and out. Tuuri tightened, her sounds leaking through the hand she had clapped over her mouth. 

In the lowest whisper, Tuuri breathed out, “Sigrun- Sigrun, stop, I think I’m ready.”

Sigrun slid out of her, eyes glistening. “Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you.”

Tuuri nodded. She leaned forward and undid Sigrun’s belt, kissing her shoulder as she unfastened her pants. Sigrun sucked in a breath as Tuuri slid down her underwear and took her fully in her hand. She was already half-hard, and it didn’t take long before she was ready. Tuuri lay back down, resting her head on her crumpled sweater. 

Sigrun had no idea what to expect. She’d never done this before, never gotten anywhere close to this kind of thing. Her thoughts ran away from her, anxiety skyrocketing that Tuuri would see her differently, wouldn’t like her anymore, wouldn’t want to be with her. But when she looked down at Tuuri, her hair messy and her eyes expectant, every nervous thought was washed away with a shock of electric arousal. Whatever happened, whatever it was like, it would be ok. There was no one else she’d rather do this with. 

She rested a hand on Tuuri’s hip. Smiling, Tuuri placed her hand over it. 

Slowly, achingly slowly, Sigrun slid inside. 

Tuuri gasped underneath her, fingers clutching at Sigrun’s hand. She bit her lip, though Sigrun didn’t know whether it was from stimulation or pain. She waited, letting Tuuri adjust. After a moment, she nodded, pulling Sigrun closer. 

She began to move, slowly at first, then speeding up as Tuuri moved against her. She leaned down, kissing across Tuuri’s face, her hands, her neck. She rested her head on Tuuri’s right shoulder as her hips continued to move, back and forth, over and over. She felt a hiccup in Tuuri’s breathing.

Sigrun stopped and pushed herself up. “What’s wrong? Are you ok? What-” 

Tuuri was crying. Her face was twisted in an expression of both grief and pleasure that Sigrun couldn’t begin to decipher. She pulled Sigrun closer. 

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” she said between hiccups. “It’s ok, I want to- I want to feel everything while I still can. I want this, I want you, it’s just-” Her tears cut her off. 

Sigrun had no idea how to proceed, how to go on like this with her own face becoming wet. Tuuri placed a hand on her hip, pulling her flush, hip to hip. She gasped, though her tears belied the state of her body. Sigrun followed suit, moving in and out despite the immense wave of grief sweeping over them both. She buried her face in Tuuri’s neck, feelings each breath and gasp, every sob and tense. 

They went on like this for a while, though whether it was minutes or hours, Sigrun couldn’t say. The physical experience was unlike anything she’d ever felt before, but it was difficult to savor it fully with her aching heart. 

Eventually, she finished, and Tuuri did to. She pulled out and cleaned up, and they both got dressed. Sigrun didn’t leave the cabin. She couldn’t bear to pull away from Tuuri, whose face was still wet with tears.

Through her own tears, Sigrun managed, “I never- I tried not to get too attached, because, you know, this kind of this isn’t meant to happen, and I didn’t know if I would even see you after this mission was over.” She paused to gulp down a sob. 

“But look at us now. I guess I failed that resolution pretty miserably, huh?” 

The last words wobbled off of Sigrun’s tongue, her face beginning to crumple. Tuuri pulled her even closer, pressing their bodies tight. 

“Yeah, you did,” she said, laughing sadly. “And I guess I did too. Though it was always a part of the whole fantasy for me, you know? Leave Keuruu, go on a mission to explore the Silent World, fall in love with a hot captain, the usual.”

Sigrun let out a surprised laugh. “You think I’m hot?”

Tuuri laughed into her chest. “Of course I do. Remember when we met? It was all I could do not to say it outright.”

They stood like that for a while, laughing quietly and reminiscing. Finally, Tuuri pushed her out, insisting that they both had work to do. 

Outside the tank, Sigrun sank into the snow, tears in her eyes yet again. She was failing everyone, letting her emotions get the best of her. She was a shitty captain, and an even worse person. She had no idea how to go on from here. She buried her head in her arms. 

For the first time in her life, Sigrun had no idea what to do. 

She couldn’t fix this. She couldn’t save everyone. There was no denouement, no higher authority to turn to, no salvaging this situation. There was no battle to sweep into heroically at the last moment, killing the monster and rescuing her team. There was just Tuuri, and the Illness, and every single way Sigrun had failed her. 

And she couldn’t forget how she’d failed the rest of the crew, too. She was supposed to be the captain, directing everyone and keeping the team at peace and functional. Here she was, barely functional herself, caught up in an intensely personal relationship that destroyed her work life. This was everything she’d warned herself about, and worse. Somewhere, Sigrun felt a deep sense of betrayal. From the gods, from her training, or from herself, she didn’t know. Something, someone had failed her. 

Looking deep inside, Sigrun knew it was herself who had failed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> absolutely nothing bad will happen next chapter :) also, there are probably about three or four chapters left total


	7. listen to the breathing sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sigrun struggles with the journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's a little shorter but the next one is. a lot get ready

Sigrun fell to her knees as the trail of footsteps disappeared into the waves, hands clutching at the loose sand. Her chest rose and fell quickly, but she couldn’t even feel it. Her heart pounded harder than it ever had as she tried to think, think, _think_. How long had it been? Could she be gone already? Could Sigrun still save her? How far might she have gone? 

Before she even realized it, Sigrun was getting to her feet and preparing to dive into the water. She was taking off her jacket when a hand at her arm stopped her. 

She turned around, her mind finally slowing down enough to understand what was happening. Mikkel held her arm firmly, shaking his head. Sigrun understood. There was no use in going in after her. 

A part of her still desperately wanted to go, to jump into the water and find her, drag her out and push the water from her lungs. She could still save her, a wild and distressed corner of her mind yelled. She could still do something, do _anything_ , just stop standing there and take action like she always did. 

But there was nothing to save this time. She couldn’t kill the ocean, couldn’t heroically defeat the illness in Tuuri’s veins. This was the area that she was powerless against, and the cruel fate of the universe used it to take the most wonderful thing Sigrun had ever had. 

Mikkel let go of her arm. Everything in Sigrun screamed to collapse into the sand, let the waves take her like they had Tuuri. 

She turned away from the sea and walked into the woods. 

***  
The next few days passed in a strange blur. The intense grief beating at the inside of Sigrun’s head only made her illness worse, adding an overstuffed conscience to her fever and complete lack of energy. They walked on and on, only stopping when absolutely necessary. Normally it would be fine, but with the virus attacking her body and the guilt attacking her brain, Sigrun felt like she couldn’t manage more than a few kilometers a day. 

It didn’t help that they’d had to leave Emil and Lalli behind. Each hour that passed without their return weighed heavier and heavier on Sigrun until she could barely stand. 

Several days in, Sigrun felt her weakness overwhelm her. She had been resisting collapse for a while now, but it all suddenly became too much, and she tumbled face first into the snow.

Heavy footsteps grew louder. Mikkel reached out his hand, gently encouraging her to get up. Sigrun grumbled out some words about her incompetence. 

“It’s clearly my punishment to die here in disgrace. The gods will it.”

Before she knew what was happening, a cold rush sent a shock down her spine, jerking her out of her stupor. She thrashed around instinctively, scraping out the snow stuffed down her jacket. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” she blurted out, twisting back onto her stomach. 

Mikkel grabbed her face to stop her from moving. “Are you thinking straight now?” he asked, his voice firm. She paused, her mind slowly catching up with what had just happened. 

He went on to give some big, inspirational speech about how the real mark of a leader wasn’t that they didn’t fail, but rather that they continued despite their failure. Sigrun was only half listening, her mind frantically trying to process her self-sabotage. 

Without warning—or maybe with warning, Sigrun wasn’t listening—Mikkel scooped her up and dumped her on top of the wheelbarrow, and they continued on their way. 

***  
The next day, the three of them stopped at a still-standing hut just before sundown. Sigrun’s fever had gone down drastically, which allowed all her shitty thoughts to come crawling back in. She felt tears welling up in her eyes as soon as she sat outside the hut, and prayed she could be alone for just a minute.

Predictably, Mikkel came out to see how she was. Sigrun deflected his probing, insisting her physical state had gotten worse, not her mental one. Of course, he didn’t take that as an answer, and pressed on to what was really bothering her. Fucking Mikkel, of course he knew exactly what was going on inside her head. He went on some sort of strange tangent about mental strength and physical strength that she didn’t really listen to, but the message was clear. He wanted her to talk. 

Mikkel implied that she had the willpower to fight this situation, and Sigrun was grateful for the scarf covering her face so he couldn’t see how her face fell. 

Slowly, sadly, Sigrun began to talk. 

“I’ve never failed my crewmates so badly.” _I’ve never fallen in love with a crewmate and watched her die, either_.

“Never?” Mikkel sounded surprised.

“Not like _this!_ ” Sigrun gasped, all her grief welling up inside her chest and threatening to spill out. “Not like this.” She looked to the frozen ground, trying to keep her tears at bay. “Yes, _warriors_ die hunting trolls, everyone expects that, everyone knows it’s going to happen. But that’s not what this was!”

She bent forward, unable to stop her body from curling in on itself in an intense wave of regret. “It’s like this was a test to see if I’m worthy of my role, when I’m not surrounded by my highly trained compatriots. And I failed it.”

Sigrun found the strength to look up at Mikkel, who was watching her with an unreadable expression. “The whole reason I was here was to protect everyone. If someone had to die, it should have been me. How can I go home when they can’t?” 

Mikkel sighed. His words about how facing defeat made her a real leader hit on something deep within Sigrun. While she still wasn’t sure if she could pull herself out of this intact, she sure as hell could get her remaining crew to safety. 

That didn’t heal what had happened, or make it any easier to be vulnerable. But it gave her a goal to work toward.

That was, until the idiot redhead sprinted off the path to find god knows what and Sigrun ended up face-first in the snow, sputtering in surprise. Mikkel helped her up, and it took them a while to follow Reynir’s tracks with the wheelbarrow in tow. After a few minutes of frantic searching, they stumbled upon a decrepit Old World church, somehow still standing. Sigrun was extremely wary of the place, as it would be a perfect troll nest, but Kissa seemed to think nothing of it, so she proceeded. 

The old church was full of cobwebs and corpses on every bench, but there was nothing living inside. The roof had long since disintegrated, letting the weak winter sunlight stream in at odd angles. Sigrun, even in her weakened state, made a quick patrol of the area to make sure all was well. She and Mikkel found a secluded room at the back of the church, with still-intact furniture and a fireplace. After consulting Reynir to ensure there wouldn’t be a ghostly repeat of the last time he raised a warning, Sigrun settled into the back room and watched Mikkel make a fire as she rested her aching bones. 

Since they picked up camp, Sigrun had really only been thinking about how much physical pain she was in. With a safe and cozy room to curl up in, she found herself falling asleep on Mikkel’s shoulder quickly.

Waking up in the morning was strange, feeling the cold dusty air settle over her skin. Reynir made a senseless summary of his dream adventures, but the giant mutilated troll in the collapsed end of the church communicated everything he couldn’t. 

Sigrun steeled herself for the last leg of the journey.

***  
After what felt like weeks, but was probably days, they arrived at the base. It wasn’t difficult to find a hole in the fence to jump through, and the barracks were still in livable condition. The only thing left to do was sit and wait. 

Sigrun fell back into her slump, having reached the only goal that was keeping her going. Mikkel kept her afloat, making sure she ate and slept and all that, but she was wracked with guilt day in and day out. The freshness of Emil and Lalli’s loss made it hard to think about anything else.

Though Sigrun knew logically that they were probably lost forever, trapped in the frozen wilderness, she couldn’t help but feel that they were out there somewhere. Mikkel told her it was a foolish thought, and she knew that, but the feeling remained. It stuck in the back of her mind for days, until one afternoon, Kissa heard a creaking sound outside the barracks.

Sigrun was on her feet in an instant, but the cat didn’t hiss, just perked up her ears. Cautiously, Sigrun signalled to Mikkel to investigate with her. 

Opening the door and following the sound to the base’s entrance, Sigrun saw with a start Emil’s ridiculous hair, and the scout’s tiny form. Mikkel scooped them both up into a bone-crushing hug, and only Sigrun’s residual illness kept her from doing the same. That night, she cried with relief in the darkness of her bunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get ready for a wild next chapter
> 
> also there's maybe 2 chapters left get hype


	8. let me cry against your cheek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sigrun has a new kind of experience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i do not know what possessed me to write this chapter (pun intended) but it is explicit so have fun with that

With only a few days left until the ship arrived to pick them all up, Sigrun had resigned herself to a sort of quasi-mourning. Without the pressure of keeping them all alive, her mind had finally caught up with the tragedies she’d been unable to fully process until then. The others milled around, looking at the books they’d collected or watching the fence for anything suspicious. Sigrun had been told to rest, and rest she did. It was the most weakness she was prepared to show, acknowledging that she could fall prey to something as base as illness.

While her body healed itself, her mind began ripping apart. Nights were torture, as conversation and distraction ceased completely. There was nothing to alleviate the thunderstorm happening in her mind, no facade of normalcy to keep up. After her illness passed, she no longer had the exhaustion of recovery to pull her over into sleep.

By the third or so night or tossing and turning, endless mental gymnastics around blame and guilt, Sigrun had more or less given up on trying to sleep. She laid on her back, staring into the empty darkness of the ceiling above her. 

And then, from the near-stifling stillness of the night air, a whisper floated by her ear. A soft voice, one so familiar to Sigrun that she sat straight up in bed. 

Nothing happened. She’d probably imagined it, her mind weakened from lack of sleep. Sigrun laid back down, her heart rate slowly decreasing again.

A moment later, it happened again. This time, the voice was louder, and closer, stirring the hair on the back of Sigrun’s neck. Her heart felt like it would beat out of her chest. She strained to hear it, to understand what it was saying. 

One word. Again, it drifted past her, sending shocks down her spine. One word, again and again. _Sigrun_. She sat up again, keeping her body perfectly still. 

She knew that light accent, knew the breathy tone of voice. Tuuri was whispering to her, somehow, from somewhere. Sigrun didn’t know how to respond without disturbing anyone else in the room. She simply nodded, trying to communicate her recognition. 

When the voice- _Tuuri_ \- spoke again, Sigrun could hear a hint of a smile in it. _Sigrun. Don’t worry, it’s just me. Lay back down._

Sigrun did as she was told, too mystified by what was happening to question it. As she did, she felt the lightest touch- so light she could have imagined it- across her cheek. It could have been a breeze stirring through the room, her hair falling across her face, a thousand other things before Tuuri’s ghostly touch.

The feeling of a mouth pressing to her neck erased all doubt from her mind. It was light, but it was there. She could feel a weight settle on top of her, distributed in a way that Sigrun recognized as Tuuri’s body. She could feel her, lighter than when she was alive, but she was there. Sigrun reached out a hand to touch her back and-

There was nothing there. A sigh coiled into Sigrun’s ear. 

_You can’t do that, Sigrun. I’m not really here._

Sigrun opened her mouth to ask what she meant, but decided against it. Something told her it was better not to know. 

The ghostly fingers came back to her cheek, trailing along her jawline, down her throat. Though her undershirt was pulled up over her neck, she felt the touch as though there was no fabric to block it. The fingers continued down to her collarbone, a thumb pressing firmly into her Adam’s apple. She held back a gasp. 

The mouth followed the path the fingers had just drawn, pressing kisses down her neck. The pressure and warmth were there, but there was no wetness, no lasting feeling. Still, Sigrun had to work to keep herself from making noise in response. The feeling might not have been complete, but it was more contact than she’d had in weeks. She could feel herself growing warmer, blood flowing away from her head. 

Tuuri’s voice, which had been silent for several minutes, sounded hot and breathy in Sigrun’s ear. _Do you want this? Is this ok?_

Sigrun didn’t know how to communicate that this was the only thing she wanted, the very thing she’d been afraid to miss, the sensation of Tuuri pressed flush against her. The guilt, the grief, the unending sensation of cold fire coursing through her veins, freezing her and burning away every other feeling, all washed away with the warmth of Tuuri’s fingers. She just nodded, hoping that Tuuri would understand. 

A kiss to her collarbone let her know that the message had been received. The hand grasped her breast, rolling a thumb mercilessly over her nipple. Sigrun put a hand to her mouth to stifle a moan. Reality came flooding back to her for a split second, the realization that this room was full of her crew. But in her sleepless, grief-addled state, she could not find it within herself to care. 

The mouth closed over her nipple, making up for what it lacked in wetness with enthusiasm. Sigrun gritted her teeth as hands ran over her sides, stopping to clasp at her hipbones. 

Weight shifted on Sigrun’s hips. The voice, again. _Do you want to keep going?_

Sigrun nodded again, letting her eyes fall shut. The weight lifted off her, settling onto her thighs. The hands slid from their position on her hips, following the curve of her body to rest between her legs. A hand- Tuuri, she thought again, her heart clenching- grasped her fully, flooding her body with sensation, more than she’d felt in weeks. Her skin flushed as Tuuri’s hand swept over her, gentle in movement but unforgiving in pace. Sigrun forced her hips into the bed to keep them from thrusting into the air. The hand that wasn’t pressed against her mouth lifted from its grasp on the sheets to find something, anything of Tuuri to hold on to. A light thumb brushing over her head threw all thought from her mind. Her arm fell back against the bed, fingers grasping at empty air.

It had been weeks, months even, since her body had felt anything but pain and illness, and her fatigue combined with the hot rush of touch let her know it wouldn’t take long before this would all be over. Tuuri seemed to know this, her hand moving faster and faster still. Another warm touch over her breast made Sigrun clench her teeth to keep from crying out. It all became too much for her, and she came into what she imagined was Tuuri’s palm. A kiss pressed onto her lips, warm and insistent. 

And just as quickly as it had begun, Tuuri’s warmth and weight vanished, leaving Sigrun feeling empty and cold. She was left with the distinct idea that she had, in her grief and despondency, imagined the entire thing. 

Still, she drifted into a fitful sleep soon after, her body wresting control from the ocean of feeling she’d been drowning in.

***

The next day passed identically to the three days before it. Sigrun drifted around the cabin and through the base, inspecting nothing and taking notice of nothing besides the way the salty wind hit her cheeks. Her mind ground over the events of the night before. She didn’t know what was wrong with her. It wasn’t a fever dream, her fever had passed. Was her mind really that fucked over by grief? Or could-

Sigrun shook her head to dispel the thought. That line of thought wouldn’t help anything. Tuuri was gone, and she was not coming back, no matter how desperately Sigrun ached for her in more ways than she thought possible. She needed to get over her, forget this whole thing, forget the happiest she’d ever been. 

She went back into the cabin. 

Night felt like it couldn’t come soon enough. Sigrun revelled in the thought of not having to put up a front of competence. The others were probably concerned, but as long as she kelp eating and moving around, it would all be fine. 

Sigrun was just starting to drift off when something touched her firmly, insistently, at her hip. The sharp suddenness of it jerked her awake. 

Her head spun. What could this mean? Once was a hallucination, a really vivid dream, but twice? 

The voice, too real to be imagined, came again. _Sigrun. I’m back._

Unbidden, tears sprang to Sigrun’s eyes. She didn’t know if Tuuri could tell she was crying, but the tone of her voice when spoke next suggested she might. 

_It’s all right, it’s ok! I’m here, Sigrun, you don’t need to worry anymore._

A press at her hand. Warm lips to her cheek. A weight around her middle. The ghostly attempt at comfort was all too much for Sigrun. She turned over in bed, stifling her sobs. Tuuri’s whispers flew into her ears, words of light and love, trying so, so hard to calm her down. 

Sigrun choked out, in the faintest whisper, “are you really here?” She didn’t believe in all that ghost bullshit, at least not entirely, but this was more than enough evidence to convince her.

Someone shifted in their bunk. Sigrun steadied her breathing, remembering again that there were other people in the room. 

_I’m really here, Sigrun. I’m here and I’m with you and you’re going to get me back._

The tears came again, fresh with the reminder of Sigrun’s failing, Tuuri’s tragedy. Sigrun felt more kisses on her cheek, insistent in their comfort. The tears stopped, slowly. 

The kisses moved to her mouth. 

And much like the night before, Tuuri’s hands wandered across Sigrun’s body, pulling her from her grief into something strange and new. Sigrun leaned into it, reacted to every touch, felt her body spark again and again, but all along aching to feel Tuuri against her. 

Tuuri’s ghostly mouth kissed down her neck, across her chest, following the line of her body until Sigrun was shivering and biting her lip to stop her noises. It lacked the wetness of the real thing, but the heat and the friction brought her over the edge all the same. SIgrun’s body went limp in her bed, hands searching again and again, always turning up nothing. 

The days passed, one by one, each more excruciating than the last. Each night, Tuuri came to her, talking and convincing and touching. Each morning, Sigrun woke up, body and soul aching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only one or two more chapters left!


	9. a sudden burst of sunlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sigrun tries something desperate, and gets something in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a long chapter buckle in
> 
> also - yet another sex scene in this one

The ship was brutal. Quarantine was brutal. Everything was a massive effort to get through with the lead sadness that weighed in Sigrun’s bones. She barely slept, with the tortures of her nightmares, and dreaded when they would meet Tuuri’s brother. Grumpy at the best of times, she was sure he would absolutely self-destruct when someone delivered the news. 

As captain, Sigrun felt like it kind of had to be her. 

As the other half of whatever she and Tuuri had been, Sigrun absolutely couldn’t bear to talk to Onni. it had to be done, though, and she started drafting what she would say in her head. 

_Hey, Onni, nice to meet you. I fell in love with your sister and then watched her die. Sorry?_

_Onni, right? Thanks for saving us with your really cool magic eagle that one time! Sorry it didn’t save your sister though. Did I mention I’m in love with her?_

Or maybe just, _hey I’m fucking your sister’s ghost_. 

This was not something she could handle on her own, but there was no way she could be vulnerable enough to talk to Mikkel, let alone anyone else, about it. The only option was to blunder through it on her own.

***  
When the ship finally docked, Sigrun couldn’t help feeling relieved at her release. While everything that came next was awful, at least she wasn’t stuck in that awful glass cube anymore. The crew got off the ship and met their benefactors. While Sigrun felt sick thinking about her upcoming conversation, she couldn’t deny that the pay was good. 

It still came as a shock to her system when she saw Tuuri’s brother in the crowd, bearing just enough resemblance to make tears well up in her eyes. _Fuck._

Spotting her, Onni’s eyes narrowed. He began making his way towards her. Sigrun took in a shaky breath, all her prepared words leaving her head. 

Onni reached her. His expression was indecipherable, but unmistakably upset. In halting Icelandic, he ground out, “you… you were the captain. Are you responsible?”

Sigrun tried her best to keep up her cheery, confident facade. “Hi! Onni, right? I’m the captain of this mission.” She let her voice fall to what she guessed was an appropriate tone. “I’m very sorry for your loss, but we did everything we could. These things-”

Onni cut her off with a scowl. “I know these things happen in the Silent World. I don’t want your apology. I want your help.”

Sigrun was grateful for the interruption, because otherwise she absolutely would have cried. Onni’s words caught up with her. “You- what? You want my help?”

He tried to contain his look of disgust. _What the fuck is his problem?_

“I know that you were...close with T- with my sister. I need to know everything about- about what happened at the end.” He stepped closer, lowering his voice to a whisper. “I might have a way to get her back.”

Sigrun’s heart threatened to beat out of her chest. “You can- what? What do you need from me? I’ll- I’ll do anything-” She cut herself off before her voice could get any more desperate.

Onni looked somewhat surprised at her enthusiasm, but pressed on all the same. “Has there been any trace of her since- since she left?”

Sigrun glanced around them. “Let’s talk about this somewhere else.”

***  
“What?” Onni said, pushing himself off the alley wall he’d been leaning against. “Her ghost?”

Sigrun frowned at his suspicion. “I thought Finns were supposed to believe in all that magic bullshit.” 

“If you mean mages and gods, yes. I’ve guided more deceased spirits than I can count. But I’ve never heard of something like this…a spirit following and communicating with a non-mage.” 

“Are you saying I imagined it? Because I sure as hell know what I heard.”

Onni looked taken aback by this. “I don’t think it didn’t happen, I just don’t know what it means. Maybe because you were close by when she…” He trailed off. 

Sigrun picked up his train of thought. “Yeah, but how come it hasn’t happened to any of the others? Why not Lalli? They’re a mage and everything!”  
Onni looked up at her. “You’re right. There’s really only a few things I can think of.”

“Which are…”

“Well, first, you’re a mage and don’t know it. I don’t think that’s likely.”

Sigrun laughed before she could help herself. Her, a mage! 

“I thought as much,” Onni continued. “The only other thing I can think of is…” He looked at the ground, suddenly withdrawn.

“What?” Sigrun asked. “What else could it be?”

Slowly, barely above a whisper, Onni asked, “exactly what kind of relationship did you two have?”

Sigrun almost took a step back, completely unprepared. “I…uh, well, we…” There was really no polite way to say _I was fucking your sister and fell in love with her before she died_. “I think I was closer to her than any other crew member besides her cousin.”

Onni seemed to sense that this was not the whole truth, but he nodded anyway. “My...theory is that she might have stuck to you, sort of, as you had an emotional bond and were close to her when it happened.”

“Ok, great, but what do we do with that?”

“I’m not sure. Like I said, I’ve never heard of anything like this before. But maybe, because there’s a piece of her soul still here with you, we can find a way to bring her back.”

The tears that sprang to Sigrun’s eyes were hard to suppress, but she managed to get out a noise of affirmation without crying. “What do I need to do?”

***  
Sigrun watched from the tiny window as the sun slipped over the horizon. Turning away from the window, she saw Onni sitting cross-legged on the carpet of his cramped room, lit candles surrounding him. Lalli hovered behind, looking slightly more anxious than usual. On the floor was some kind of rune for the unquiet dead, supplied by Reynir. 

Onni looked up at her. “We’re ready. Bring her to us.”

Sigrun sat across from him on the carpet, not really sure how to proceed. In the few days that had passed since their initial conversation, she had been so swept up in the frenzy of preparing this ritual that she hadn’t had much time to think. Tuuri, however, had not been so occupied, and had continued her nightly visits. Sigrun still couldn’t really talk to her, but her consistent presence was hope enough. 

She didn’t really know how to summon her ghost, just that she came at night before Sigrun slept. Her hypothesis was the calm surroundings and the settling of her thoughts made it easier for Tuuri to manifest. Sigrun laid down on the carpet, letting her body settle. She felt a little stupid doing this, but the possibility of bringing Tuuri back pushed every inhibition out of her mind. 

As she closed her eyes, Sigrun felt a weight settle near her hip. _Hey Sigrun, I-_

Tuuri’s voice stopped, and Sigrun had to fight every bone in her body not to bolt upright looking for her. 

_Is that- Onni? And Lalli? What are they doing here?_

“Tuuri, we’re bringing you back,” Sigrun said, barely a whisper. She felt the weight shift. 

_How?_

“I don’t know how, exactly, but Onni can do it.”

A smile entered Tuuri’s voice. _I’m sure he can. I want to come back to you all._

That reminded Sigrun that she wasn’t the only one who desperately missed Tuuri. The past few days had let her know just how much the two mages really cared about her. She knew their only connection was Tuuri, but Sigrun couldn’t help feeling some kind of weird kinship with them. 

With her eyes still closed, Sigrun couldn’t tell if Onni realized that Tuuri was there. She kept talking, unsure of what exactly he was doing. “Tuuri, I need you to hold on to me as tight as possible. Onni’s going to try to pull your soul back down, and it’s easier if you’re closer.” 

Sigrun felt the weight on her almost double, coming to rest across her chest and thighs. She felt Tuuri’s arms around her, holding on as hard as she could. 

From somewhere behind her, Sigrun heard Onni begin muttering something in Finnish. The light behind her eyelids grew stronger, and a sound of beating wings almost made her open her eyes. Tuuri stirred on top of her, clearly just as confused. _Sigrun, what’s happening?_

“He’s getting you back, Tuuri,” Sigrun whispered. 

The muttering stopped. Suddenly, a searing pain ran down Sigrun’s spine, her back arching in pain and a scream ripping from her throat. Every nerve in her body felt like it was on fire, and her head felt like it would split apart. Tuuri’s weight vanished, but Sigrun heard another cry, one in an all-too-familiar voice. She doubled over in pain, but the intense pulsing in her head faded. Slowly, Sigrun opened her eyes. 

And saw Tuuri sitting in front of her in the rune on the floor. She was naked and trembling, her body shaking all over, her eyes wide open. 

Lalli ran over and wrapped a blanket around her. She drew it closer and turned to see Sigrun. Without thinking, Sigrun jumped forward and captured her in a hug, the two of them falling to the floor. She started crying before she could even register it, hot tears falling onto Tuuri’s shoulder. 

Sigrun didn’t know which one of them started laughing first, but they began shaking with uncontrollable laughter, still holding each other. At some point, the door opened and shut, Onni and Lalli thinking it best to give them some alone time. 

After holding each other for a while, Sigrun sat up. “I can’t believe you’re really here. I can’t believe that worked.” 

Tuuri grinned back at her. “I’m so happy to be back with you, Sigrun. I can’t even tell you what I’ve been through.”

Sigrun ran her hand through Tuuri’s still-fluffy hair. “I’m sure you will eventually. But now, I think you want to talk to your brother and cousin.” 

Tuuri nodded. “I really do. Where can I find you?”

“My room is just down the hall. Onni can show you where.”

They stood together, hugging for a while longer. 

***  
Sigrun was glad for the chance to be alone, because she didn’t want Tuuri to see just how much she sobbed. Her life had been full of so much uncertainty and guilt over the past few months, and while that didn’t all go away instantly, seeing Tuuri again brought back everything she’d felt in a new way. 

A knock sounded on her door. Sigrun stood up quickly and dried her eyes. She opened the door, and saw Tuuri standing in front of her, tiny in her borrowed sweater and leggings. Sigrun swept her into another hug, still not fully trusting her senses that Tuuri was back and here and alive and with her. 

Tuuri gleefully hugged her back. After a minute, she stepped away and slipped into Sigrun’s room. Sigrun closed the door, and followed Tuuri to sit on the bed. Tuuri slipped her hand into Sigrun’s, leaning on her shoulder. 

“I know we should probably talk about everything that’s happened since we last talked,” Sigrun began, “but all I really want right now is to kiss you.”

Tuuri giggled, and Sigrun almost cried. She hadn’t realized just how much she’d missed Tuuri, in all the little ways, her laugh, her little surprised squeaks, the way she made herself small when she was stressed, every little detail that added up to a great, great love she hadn’t even noticed growing. 

Her train of thought was interrupted by Tuuri cupping her cheek with her hand, moving her body closer. Sigrun gladly moved forward to meet her. And _oh_ , when their lips met, after so much time and space and life apart, Sigrun felt like she was floating. The divine softness of Tuuri’s lips, the way her small hands were cupping Sigrun’s face, her warmth that melted Sigrun’s grieving heart, it was all so much and so ecstatic that Sigrun found it hard to believe it was real, after so many hours spent crying and aching and draining her body of any and all emotion. 

Tuuri came up for air first, a beam breaking across her face. “Sigrun, I-I can’t even tell you how much I missed you, how much I wanted to be back with you, how hard it was, how hard it was for you, too-”

Sigrun laid a finger softly over Tuuri’s mouth. “I know, I was just thinking the same thing. But right now, I want to celebrate having you back. We can talk about all the heavy shit later.” 

Tuuri nodded. “What I meant was, I’m so glad I’m here. I’m so glad we have the chance to make this real.” She looked into Sigrun’s eyes, her face so full of love Sigrun found it hard to sit up. 

Luckily, that wasn’t a problem for long, as she decided the best course of action was so pull Tuuri down onto the bed with her, ending up lying on top of her. Tuuri giggled, and Sigrun felt it in her stomach, in the most exuberant ripple she’d ever felt.

“What do you say I pay you back for all those nights at the base?” Sigrun suggested, one eyebrow raising. 

Tuuri grinned up at her. “I wouldn’t say no to that.”

Sigrun leaned down to kiss her again. She let herself get lost in the sensation, in Tuuri kissing back with all the ferocity of missed affection. Sigrun let her teeth drag over Tuuri’s bottom lip, hearing her gasp softly. She moved from Tuuri’s mouth to kiss her jawline, trailing down the side of her neck and leaving gentle bites. She bit at the juncture of her shoulder, feeling Tuuri sigh as she ran her tongue over the muscle there. Sigrun let her hands wander, one cupping Tuuri’s neck, the other tracing over her side. 

As she explored Tuuri’s neck and collarbones, Sigrun’s hands wandered around the hem of Tuuri’s sweatshirt. She ran her thumbs over her hipbones, hearing Tuuri’s soft pleased noises. As her mouth wandered closer to the collar of Tuuri’s shirt, she paused and raiser her head. “Mind if I get rid of this?”

Tuuri smiled. “I wouldn’t mind at all.” She shimmied out of the too-big shirt, discarding it on the floor by the bed. 

Sigrun hadn’t considered the fact that Tuuri, of course, would not be wearing a bra. She realized that she’d never actually seen her fully topless—there had never been enough time. She took a moment to just look at her. Tuuri blushed a little at the attention, but she didn’t seem to mind, especially when Sigrun began using her hands to appreciate the sight too. She went back to exploring with her mouth, kissing down the middle of her chest, then moving to one side, letting her teeth lightly graze the sensitive skin. She felt Tuuri gasp a little, then much more sharply, as her thumb rolled over her nipple. Encouraged, Sigrun pinched her nipple hearing Tuuri squeak in surprise. 

“Fuck, Sigrun,” Tuuri breathed, her eyes half-closed. Sigrun bit lightly at her neck, leaving a line of light marks down her chest. She trailed kisses around her nipple, before taking it in her mouth. Tuuri breathed in sharply, her soft noises becoming more strained. Sigrun sucked on her nipple, her hands coming to rest at Tuuri’s hips. 

Sitting up to let Tuuri catch her breath, Sigrun couldn’t help admiring her work. Tuuri lay beneath her, flushed and panting, the light skin of her chest and neck littered with reddening bruises. Tuuri slid her hand up Sigrun’s thigh, catching her attention. 

“What are you smirking about?” she asked, her mouth quirking. 

“Just thinking about how hard I’m going to fuck you now that we actually have the time,” Sigrun responded, her mouth moving before her brain. 

They both blushed at that, Tuuri turning her head to the side to hide her suppressed look of excitement. After a beat, she looked back. “Well, are you going to?”

Sigrun trailed her hand from Tuuri’s hip to the loose waist of her leggings. “May I?”

Tuuri nodded, lifting her hips to help Sigrun slide her leggings and underwear off. Sigrun realized this was the first time she’d seen Tuuri completely naked, and couldn’t keep herself from staring. She ran her hand over Tuuri’s thigh appreciatively, taking in the sight fully. To Tuuri’s credit, she didn’t blush nearly as much as she had the first time. 

“Sigrun,” Tuuri said softly, “I appreciate the attention, but I haven’t gotten off since I died, and I’d really like to,” she finished, giggling. 

Sigrun stuck her tongue out at her. “Of course, your Highness,” she said mockingly, bending to bring her face between Tuuri’s thighs. 

It had been a while, but Sigrun had the muscle memory of running her tongue between Tuuri’s folds, feeling her rock her hips against her face. She traced the length of her vulva, pulling Tuuri’s thighs over her shoulders. Tuuri sighed, resting her hand on top of Sigrun’s head. She pulled her closer, Sigrun taking the hint to double her efforts, circling her entrance and teasing the tip of her clit. Tuuri crossed her ankles behind Sigrun’s head, pushing Sigrun’s face deeper into her folds. Sigrun was not about to complain, and used the extra pressure to draw more and more noises out of Tuuri. 

After a while, Tuuri let her legs relax, releasing Sigrun from her position. Sigrun sat up and quickly wiped her mouth before leaning down to kiss Tuuri. She let her fingers run through Tuuri’s still-wet folds, trying to gauge what to do next. Tuuri tilted her chin up, eyes still closed. “I want your fingers in me,” she breathed. 

Happy to oblige, Sigrun slid a long finger into her. Tuuri gasped and shuddered slightly. “Oh, oh, fuck.” Sigrun took that as encouragement, slowly beginning to pump in and out of her. Following Tuuri’s breathing, she sped up, adding a second finger. 

Tuuri threw her head back, her chest rising and falling faster and faster. The sight of her neck, exposed and tense, was irresistible to Sigrun. She leaned forward and kissed where Tuuri’s jaw met her neck, following the line of muscle to her collarbone. Tuuri’s moans were interrupted by sharp gasps, and she pulled Sigrun closer to her. Sigrun kissed her on the mouth, hot and desperate as she pumped her fingers in and out of Tuuri. She gasped, breaking away from the kiss to stutter out, “oh, God, Sigrun, please, faster.”

Sigrun did as she was told, using her thumb to rub Tuuri’s clit as she sped up. It didn’t take long for Tuuri’s moans to devolve into hissing breaths, no words but Sigrun’s name, and Sigrun felt Tuuri tighten around her. Sigrun fucked her through her orgasm, slowing when Tuuri put a light hand on her arm. She pulled out and laid down next to Tuuri. 

To Sigrun’s surprise, Tuuri took her hand and laid the fingers that had just been inside her into her mouth, sucking on them. The look of bliss in her closed eyes and open mouth twisted something in Sigrun’s stomach, and she realized that she was wearing entirely too many clothes. She told Tuuri as much, who laughed and helped Sigrun pull her loose shirt off. Her pants and underwear followed, and Tuuri’s hand made quick work of her already-close arousal. 

Lying together in Sigrun’s hotel bed, both slightly sweaty and naked beneath the covers, they got to do something they’d never been able to do before: talk openly, without worrying about who else could hear. 

“I want to know what happened while I was gone,” Tuuri began, a look of mild concern crossing her face.

“I want to know what the afterlife is like,” Sigrun countered, making Tuuri laugh. 

Sigrun went first, telling Tuuri about the final leg of their journey. She tried not to worry her with the details of her breakdown, or her depression during the wait at the base, but Tuuri pulled her close all the same. 

“Sigrun, I know you don’t want me to worry. I know we both went through some awful things, and I know these kind of things happen all the time. But you don’t have to hide from me. You’re not my captain anymore, you don’t have to appear strong all the time.” She took a breath and looked Sigrun in the eye. “I know the last time I said this, I was dying, and I thought I would never see you again. But I’m alive, and I’m here, and I still love you.”

Before she could even fully realize it, tears rolled down Sigrun’s face. “I- shit, Tuuri, I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> take a shot every time someone says fuck
> 
> just the epilogue left! this is already my longest fic on ao3


	10. we made it through the woods somehow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sigrun and Tuuri enjoy their life together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shit y'all it's the last chapter!! 
> 
> when i started this fic in may i did not expect it to run into 2020 but life is like that i guess
> 
> this chapter is mostly explicit :)

Sigrun was washing the shampoo out of her hair when she heard the door to her room open. Well, her and Tuuri’s shared suite. A soft patter of footsteps followed the soft sound of the door closing, and then a creak of bedsprings. Sigrun felt herself smile, knowing Tuuri was home. 

She stepped out of the bathroom a minute later, hair still dripping wet and towel wrapped around her. Tuuri looked up from where she had been lying on the bed. 

“Sigrun! Sorry, I was in the library and completely lost track of time. How was the hunt?”

Sigrun walked over to her chest of drawers to pull out some underwear, stopping to ruffle Tuuri’s hair. “It was great! Pretty simple patrol at first, but it got kinda intense at the end. I got all bloody and everything! Didn’t get hurt though.” She put them on, then used her towel to dry her hair. Walking over to the bathroom door, Sigrun hung her towel haphazardly on a hook and threw herself down on the bed next to Tuuri. 

Tuuri leaned over and kissed her lightly. “Glad to hear it. Do we need to start getting ready for the ball soon?”

“Eh, you might need to.” Sigrun waved her hand noncommittally. “I’ll need like ten minutes to throw on my suit and you can make sure my hair isn’t a disaster.”

Tuuri laughed. “I’ll get up soon.” She turned over to lay on top of Sigrun’s chest. 

They lay like that for a moment, both of them soaking up the peace of being alone. It was more common now than in their Silent World days, but it was still a rare commodity. Sigrun was usually busy all day with her captainly duties, and Tuuri tended to spend all day in the library or researching elsewhere on the base. 

After a few minutes, Tuuri rolled off of Sigrun and went into the bathroom. Sigrun stayed where she was, eyes closed. From the bed, she could hear the water running, the soft rustle of fabric and zippers, the rough sound of brushing hair. She loved the domesticity of it in a way she had never thought she would. Peace was not something she liked, not something she flourished in. Silence and stillness made her uncomfortable, like something could go wrong at any minute. Sigrun was loud and active and never in the same place for long.

Tuuri was different. She wanted to learn everything and go everywhere, and she wasn’t an inactive person by any stretch of the imagination. But in the moments between running, when Sigrun would be either sleeping or talking about the next thing, Tuuri was cultivating a quiet space to think. She anchored herself, always with a home base to come back to, a stability that she’d never had as a child. 

In the five years since the mission, Tuuri had come to share some of that peace with Sigrun. She wasn’t always at the base, travelling as much as her nonimmunity would allow. But she always came back, always spent a few months with Sigrun in Dalsnes. When Tuuri was at the base, Sigrun felt calmer, more level-headed, and more peaceful. It was a strange effect, and it felt so opposite her nature that she’d fought it at first. Now she found solace in it, grateful for the moments she found with Tuuri in their space. 

Of course, Sigrun still preferred to kill things with her hands over reading a book, but she could appreciate why Tuuri was the way she was. 

She was broken from her train of thought by Tuuri calling her. “Sigrun? How do I look?”

Sigrun sat up. Tuuri was in front of her, wearing a floor-length purple dress. Sigrun wasn’t one for fashion, but she knew that Tuuri looked damn good in this dress, and told her as much. Tuuri laughed in response, and pulled Sigrun to her feet. “Come on, you need to get ready.”

A few minutes later, Sigrun was dressed in her usual military suit. Tuuri loved when Sigrun wore it, for some reason, and tonight was no different. As she let Tuuri fix her hair, Sigrun listened to Tuuri pour compliments onto her. “I get, you think I’m hot.”

Tuuri swatted her arm. “That’s not the point!”

Sigrun rested her hands on Tuuri’s hips. “What is the point?”

Tuuri leaned up and kissed Sigrun quickly. “The point is that I love you.”

***  
Official functions had always sort of bored Sigrun, because there wasn’t much to do besides dance and talk to people she didn’t care about. Tuuri attending them with her made them much more bearable, but she still didn’t stay for long. 

Half an hour into the ball, Sigrun had talked to all the higher-ups that she needed to be cordial to. Tuuri insisted they dance, and Sigrun relented. She had to admit, being close to Tuuri in public like this was nice, and the way her skirt swished when she danced was pleasant. Still, after another half hour, Sigrun was done. She would much rather be doing something useful with her time, and the way Tuuri looked in her dress gave Sigrun ideas for much better uses of her time. 

They said their goodbyes and left, Tuuri having gotten her fill of dancing and Sigrun very ready to get out of her stiff official clothes. The walk to their room was entirely too long, but Tuuri made it bearable by chatting nonsensically about dancing. As soon as the door to their room was closed and locked, Sigrun pulled Tuuri to her. She wasn’t necessarily expecting anything, but it was hard to mistake the looks Tuuri had been giving her all night. 

Tuuri took the initiative, stretching up to kiss Sigrun. Pulling away, she grinned. “You read my mind.”

“Didn’t need to,” Sigrun returned.

Tuuri laughed. “You know I love how you look in suits.” She laid her hands on Sigrun’s hips and pushed her gently against the wall. 

“I think you’d like how I look out of-” Sigrun was cut off by Tuuri pulling on her tie and kissing her when her head was close enough. She grinned into the kiss, knowing that Tuuri was not about waste time hearing her stupid pick up lines when she could be kissing her. 

Tuuri ran her fingers along Sigrun’s neck, making her shudder as she slid off her tie and unbuttoned her collar. Sigrun slid her hands along the back of Tuuri’s thighs, then suddenly picked her up. Tuuri gave a small squeak of surprise, but didn’t break the kiss. Sigrun laid her on the bed and threw off her jacket. Tuuri pulled her back down, and Sigrun climbed on the bed over her, her knees bracketing Tuuri’s hips. 

Sigrun kissed down her neck, grateful for the low collar of Tuuri’s dress and the high-necked shirts she usually wore. She scattered bruises up and down Tuuri’s neck and shoulders, delighting in every hitch of her breath or clench of her hands.

Tuuri sat up for a moment. “Can you help me with my dress?” she asked, turning so Sigrun could reach the zipper. Sigrun complied, pressing a kiss to Tuuri’s back at every inch she exposed. She could feel Tuuri shudder slightly at each one. Finally, the dress fell to the floor, and Sigrun knelt above Tuuri, drinking in the sight. It was one she’d seen countless times by now, but she never got tired of the breathless, flushed look on Tuuri’s face, the way her knees tilted in slightly, her soft freckling across the top of her shoulders, the stretch of the muscles in her neck when she tilted her head back. 

Sigrun kissed her softly on the lips, then trailed down her chest and stomach. She let her knee slip between Tuuri’s thighs, returning attention to her mouth. One of her hands teased Tuuri’s nipple, while the other stabilized her position on the bed. Tuuri jerked slightly at the touch, her vulva brushing against Sigrun’s leg, eliciting a soft moan. 

“Fuck, Sigrun, I want…” she gasped. 

Sigrun gently ground her thigh against Tuuri, feeling how wet she was even through layers of cloth. “Yeah? What do you want?”

Tuuri whined. “I want you to- fuck- I want you to go down on me.”

Sigrun smiled and bit her lip. She let her thigh brush against Tuuri again, teasing her for another moment. “How can I refuse if you ask so nicely?”

Sigrun slid to kneel by the side of the bed. Tuuri sat up slightly, opening her legs. “Shit, Sigrun, you look so good like that,” she breathed, one hand pushing the hair out of Sigrun’s eyes. 

Sigrun grinned. “Bet I’d look even better inside you.” She ran a finger along Tuuri’s soaked underwear, feeling her shudder. 

“God, yeah, you would,” Tuuri sighed, looking Sigrun up and down.

Sigrun hooked her thumb under the band, raising her eyes to look at Tuuri. 

“I think you’re wearing way too many clothes,” Tuuri said, undoing a button on Sigrun’s shirt. She gladly took the initiative to release the rest of the buttons and discard her shirt before returning to her position between Tuuri’s legs. Finally getting rid of her underwear, Sigrun went to work, relishing in every new sound that escaped from Tuuri. Tuuri’s hand came to rest on Sigrun’s head, pulling her closer and forcing her mouth harder. She rocked against her face, Sigrun moving her tongue up and down, circling her clit. She listened for every hitch in Tuuri’s breath.

After these years together, Sigrun knew what Tuuri liked, but still took every opportunity she could to surprise her. She pulled back. 

“Do you want to sit on my face?”

To her credit, Tuuri blushed much less than she would have a few years ago, but old habits died hard. “Sure.”

It took a bit of maneuvering, but eventually Sigrun ended up on her back with Tuuri’s knees on either side of her head and her arms bracing the wall for support. Carefully, Tuuri lowered her hips, Sigrun’s hands on her thighs steadying her. 

Sigrun tilted her chin up to meet her, getting used to the new angle as she ran her tongue up her vulva. She felt Tuuri’s hips jerk once in response. She tried again, rocking her head in tandem with the motion of Tuuri’s hips. She teased around her clit, feeling Tuuri’s thighs tighten around her head. A string of gasps and stuttered curses came from above her, only made louder when Sigrun let her tongue trail down to her entrance, easily slipping inside. Tuuri lowered her hips more, practically begging Sigrun to go deeper. She complied, fucking her with her tongue as best she could. Sigrun lost track of time like this, doing anything she could to pull more sweet noises out of Tuuri. 

Tuuri’s breath shuddered and came more rapidly, her back bending as she tried to keep her balance. “God, Sigrun, I-” she cut herself off with a sharp gasp, her thighs nearly squeezing Sigrun’s head. She felt a little like she was suffocating, but in the best way possible. Tuuri’s breaths were ragged. Her back arched, and Sigrun was suddenly aware of how wet her face was. 

Tuuri pulled herself off Sigrun to lie beside her. “Shit.”

Sigrun meant to say something, but she could only grin at how flushed Tuuri was. Tuuri swatted her. “Don’t look so pleased with yourself,” she said, grinning back. 

“Well, you clearly enjoyed yourself,” Sigrun countered. 

“You’re not wrong,” Tuuri started, her gaze trailing down Sigrun’s still partially clothed body. “Isn’t it about time you had a turn?”

“If you’re offering,” Sigrun said, rolling over to kiss her. Tuuri’s hand easily slid down to the zipper of her pants, undoing the button with a flick of her thumb. Sigrun broke the kiss to wiggle out of the rest of her clothes. Tuuri ran a hand down Sigrun’s side, resting on her hip. She bent her arm to wrap her hand around her, leaning forward to kiss Sigrun. She pumped her hand slowly, Sigrun grateful for the slow pace. She was so worked up that it wouldn’t take her long, and there were still things she wanted to do. 

After a few moments of heavy breathing and soft kissing, Sigrun gently stopped Tuuri’s hand. “Do you want me to be inside you?”

Tuuri paused for a second. “If I get to be on top,” she said, smiling. 

Sigrun trailed her hand between Tuuri’s thighs, feeling how wet she was. “Do we need to get you ready?”

Tuuri nodded, resting her leg on top of Sigrun’s to make for a better angle. Sigrun slowly slid a long finger into Tuuri, feeling her adjust and lean into it. She slid in and out slowly, gauging Tuuri’s breathing. 

“You can, uh, add another,” Tuuri whispered, her breath hot on Sigrun’s neck. Sigrun did, feeling the slight stretch around her. Tuuri’s breathing became heavier, her eyes fluttering indecisively between open and closed.

“Okay, Sigrun, I’m good,” Tuuri said after a moment.

A few minutes of preparation followed, Tuuri rolling a condom onto Sigrun and getting herself into position. She perched on Sigrun’s hips, resting for a second. 

“You ready?” Sigrun asked, one hand resting on Tuuri’s thigh. 

Tuuri grinned back at her. “Yeah,” she said, raising her hips. 

Slowly, achingly so, she sank down onto Sigrun’s hips, her warmth intoxicating. Sigrun stopped herself from moving too soon, watching Tuuri’s face as she adjusted. She leaned forward, resting her hands on Sigrun’s chest. The light pressure was incredible, even more so as Tuuri began to move, her hips moving in erratic patterns. When she sank down fully, Sigrun wanted to hear her moans forever. She tilted her hips up, hearing Tuuri gasp in surprise. She pinched Sigrun’s nipple in response. Sigrun bit her lip, already close. She reached forward to rub Tuuri’s clit, making her sink further. 

Sigrun moved more, spurring Tuuri forward as she felt herself reach her peak. Her head fell back, her stomach clenched, and she floated in the wash of pleasure for a moment as Tuuri clenched around her, pressing her hand tighter to her clit. She also gasped, higher than before, and pulled herself off of Sigrun, throwing her arm over her chest.

They lay there in silence for a few minutes. Sigrun collected her thoughts from the bed of haze they had been floating on, and turned to kiss Tuuri. She gazed at her for a moment, revelling in the flush across her cheeks, the curve of her shoulders, the light sheen of sweat across her face. 

Tuuri poked her in the arm. “What are you looking at?”

Sigrun reached over to kiss her forehead. “You,” she answered, “and how goddamn beautiful you are.”

Tuuri scooted closer to her. “Well thank you.” She pressed a kiss, sweet but intense, to Sigrun’s mouth, and Sigrun wrapped an arm around her back, pulling her even closer. She felt so warm, so connected, so utterly and entirely in love. They kissed for what could have been minutes or hours, revelling in the peace inside their little world. There was no rush, no teammates to interrupt them, no urgent mission to run off on. It was just them, and the warmth, and all the time in the world.

Sigrun pulled back and brushed Tuuri’s hair out of her eyes. Their heads resting on the pillow, she whispered into the space between them.

“Let’s get married.”

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not to get emotional in the chapter notes but wow this is the longest thing i've ever written! (23k words and 54 pages)
> 
> thanks for reading this long mess of a fic! i had a lot of fun writing it, despite how long it took
> 
> please comment if you liked it! i would love any feedback at all

**Author's Note:**

> don't expect regular updates, but a good majority of the story is already written (i just have to get around to connecting pieces and editing)
> 
> find me on twitter @mudlesbian or tumblr @thiswintersky


End file.
